The Rules of the Game
by Remus's Nymph
Summary: Bill Weasley gets a job offer that he can't refuse... and then wishes he had. An Indiana Jones meets Lara Croft meets Harry Potter sort of fic, except there's no Jones, Croft or Potter.
1. World Trekking with Sarcasm and Redhead

**Title: **The Rules of the Game

**Dedications: **This started as a pick-me-up for a friend, but evolved into a chaptered fic, therefore it's for Ron.

**Notes:** The password between Rani Zahra and the Wolf is taken from a poem by Edgar Allan Poe, and belongs to the poet. No credit is being taken from him.

**Thanks:** to Candy McFierson, who did the beta-ing.

****

**The Rules of the Game**

**World Trekking with Sarcasm and Redhead**

He who would travel happily, must travel light.

– _Antoine de Saint-Exupery_(1900 - 1944)

**Cairo****, Egypt. 5:03 P.M.**

Summers in Cairo were usually quite hot and humid. Only tourists were foolish enough to wander outside without a need to. No, the habitants were quite content to spend the hot days in their air-conditioned homes, eating and watching the telly or playing games.

Bill Weasley wandered the hallways of a ratty, old building, humming a tune to himself. It was a wonder the building hadn't collapsed right on top of him yet. One would think a bank like Gringotts could afford their workers better offices, not something that had one too many fortifying charms and needed a readjusting at its weather spells. But that didn't matter much to Bill, for he never was at the office, choosing to enjoy either the depths of the tombs he broke into or the privacy of his own flat. Talking about flats, he could use a bath right now.

"Hello, Bill," Lamya, the fourth floor's secretary, said. She looked at him pleasantly through big, red-framed eyeglasses. "How's business?" She was an Egyptian witch in her mid-fifties who Bill found quite fun to talk to. She constantly spoke of her travels in Italy and always loved hearing his own tales about the Weasleys.

"Business is good," Bill said, pulling various items from his bag. He picked out a broken vase, an old piece of parchment, and a sack that sounded as if it contained gold pieces, and handed them to Lamya. "The sack gets sent to Gringotts immediately," he instructed. "I want the vase and the parchment sent to Investigations first, and then they can ship it off to the goblins once they've got something out of it. If it involves another curse-breaking, tell them Cyrus will do it. I've cleared all the curses in tomb one-eight-five-B, so it's a walk in the park."

Lamya nodded, and took a key that had been hung around a chain from her neck. She used it to unlock the first drawer on her right. A smell of roasted chicken waffled through the air, and Bill's stomach immediately rumbled. Lamya smiled at his sheepish expression, and carefully placed the sack of gold into the drawer. She closed it, locked it, and when a soft _pop_ was heard, said, "At Gringotts, safe and sound. Good job, Bill. I'll go take these other things to Investigations then."

"Thanks, Lamya," Bill said, heading on to his office. He was exhausted and starving from his latest expedition, and a bath and filling meal sounded like the ticket at the moment. Just a stop to drop off some things, and it was off to have a nice rest.

Bill's office had been placed at the end of the fourth floor. It was nice, or so Bill thought, with its own window and huge bookshelf that was filled with books he had bought from the black market. Sure, he was rarely in it, but he liked it all the same. It was probably the only place that was somewhat organized, for his own flat looked like it had been through a hurricane season in the Caribbean. But in his office, Bill could tell you exactly where the shrunken head was or where to get something cool to drink. He could point out where he had gotten each item on his desk, or he could bring out maps of his travels with just a slam or two of the drawers.

So, when Bill opened the door, he immediately noted something that did not belong.

And that was a woman.

A woman who seemed to be wearing what equalled a black bikini, a white button-up shirt thrown on, and black boots that were probably used more to kick men in the balls than actually hike in the dirt. Her black hair had been brought up into a knot on her head, and was held up by what Bill assumed to be her wand.

Immediately he brought out his wand, taking on a duelling stance.

"Hello," she said, in an accent that didn't sound Egyptian at all.

"Who are you?" he demanded, wondering why Lamya hadn't told him he had a visitor.

She had been sitting in his chair, her back to the window, but now she stood up, and motioned for him to sit down. "My name is Rani Zahra," she said, her voice not unpleasant, "and I have a business proposition for you."

Bill finally took a seat, but didn't pocket his wand. He knew well enough that you couldn't trust anyone, even if they had a pretty face. "What sort of proposition?" he asked.

Rani smiled, and brought out a black handbag that Bill hadn't noticed before. She fumbled around in it for a bit, until she finally took out a business card. "The place I work for," she said, handing it to him.

_Biggerstaffonia__ Private Incorporations_ was written in big, and an address that led to an island called Guadeloupe was printed below. There was no additional information of any kind.

"I haven't heard of them," Bill said earnestly.

"We're a very private company," Rani said noncommittally. "However, we're also a rich one, and we're willing to pay you a hundred and fifty galleons for your troubles."

"A hundred and fifty?" squeaked Bill. That was a lot more than what he received monthly from Gringotts.

"And we'll pay any expenses you need on the way," she added. "You do like travelling, right?"

Bill swallowed uncomfortably. "What exactly do you need me to do?"

"Have you ever heard of Venezuela, Mr. Weasley?" Rani asked. When he shook his head, she continued, "It's a country in the north of South America. Very pretty place. In Venezuela there are these series of tombs in Amazonas, a state at the very south. Within these tombs there's what we now call the Sphere of Mentality. Legend tells that the person that possesses the Sphere is capable of controlling another human being's mind. It's a powerful weapon and deadly in the hands of the wrong person."

"Well, that doesn't sound like anything out of a book," Bill interrupted.

Rani ignored him, and went on, "We want to get a hold of the Sphere and use it for research. Then, once we're through, it'll be heading to the League of Wizard Intelligence, and be destroyed."

Despite his earlier sarcastic comment, Bill was speechless. "Venezuela's awfully far off, isn't it?" he finally said.

Rani smiled. "We'll be stopping in Guadeloupe first. My boss will need to brief you on a few things, plus you might like to sightsee a bit. Have you ever been to America?"

"No," Bill said, stuffing the items in his bag into the bottom of drawer of his desk. "I tend to stick to Africa." He opened another drawer and started throwing a few shirts and shorts into his bag. Rani looked interested. Zipping the bag close, he moved towards the painting of a woman he had on his wall, and pulled it back to show a safe. He tapped in the combination with his wand, and pulled out a pouch filled with galleons. "Just in case," he told Rani, who had reminded him she'd be paying everything.

Rani shrugged and looked out the window while he searched through drawers to pull out his compass, a dagger and a small camera.

"So, why me?" Bill asked, pocketing his wand. "If you have contacts with the League, why do you need me?"

Rani opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off as the window shattered and a metallic object whizzed past Bill.

He ducked as another object whizzed past. "What the bloody hell?" he demanded, as Rani grabbed a hold of him, and tugged him towards the door. "Those are – that Muggle thing… bullets!"

"Yes, and they are being aimed at _us_," Rani said. She removed her wand from the knot in her hair. "_Protego_!" she muttered, as an invisible shield covered them. "It won't hold long. We need to get out of the building."

"But Muggles can't see the building!" Bill objected. "It's unplottable."

"They aren't Muggles," Rani explained as they hurried down the hallway. "They're wizards who know how to use guns."

Lamya was hiding under her desk when Bill ran past her. He quickly backed up. "Tell the goblins I'm taking my holiday. I'll be back in a couple of weeks!" And he continued after Rani. Lamya sighed and ducked again as another bullet broke a window. This would not be coming out of her pocket!

"Into the car, Weasley," Rani instructed. Bill noticed a flashy looking car, and immediately hopped in when the door opened. Rani followed, looking flushed.

"Weasley, meet Arif, our driver for the next fifteen minutes." Rani pulled out a bunny foot from her handbag. "Our portkey," she explained.

Bill blinked. "You need to explain to me what the bloody hell is going on. I do not like getting… _shot_ at by Muggle devices."

"Yes, I do apologize about that. That was unforeseen, but don't worry, Mr. Weasley, we'll be more careful next time."

"N – _next_ time?" spluttered Bill.

Rani just gave him a smile and checked her watch. "Ten minutes."

"And we'll be transported to Guadeloupe?" Bill asked.

"Ms. Zahra, we're being shot at again," Arif announced, sounding pretty calm.

Bill heard more shooting, but it was coming more frequent than it had when they were in his office.

"Turn here, Arif," Rani instructed. The car took a dangerous curve, and Bill was happy he hadn't eaten before.

Bill turned around to see a black car following them. A beefy-looking man was holding a big gun and shooting at the car.

"Bullet-proof windows," Rani said. "Genius idea." She opened her handbag, and pulled out a red lipstick. "Why don't you hex them, Mr. Weasley? They won't see it coming."

Bill opened his window, and looked out, holding his wand. "_Incendo_!" he yelled, setting the man's clothes on fire. The men shrieked and dropped his gun, desperately trying to free himself of his jacket.

"Good job," congratulated Rani, once Bill had closed the window. "We're almost ready to go."

"If they're wizards, why aren't they using wands instead of guns?" Bill asked, wiping his brow with his sleeve.

Rani waved her hand dismissively. "Rules of some game or other."

"I never was one much for games," Bill said. "My brother Charlie cheated too much."

Rani smiled. "Time to go. All right, grab onto the foot." She held out the bunny foot for him.

"Goo' luck!" Arif said, as Bill felt a familiar tugging in his navel and the world started spinning.

**Pointe à Peter, Guadeloupe.  10:45 A.M.**

Bill and Rani appeared at the steps of a building made of limestone. It looked to be around two stories high, and reminded Bill strongly of Gringotts. He could hear the chattering of people from far off. The sun was shining brightly, but it was nowhere near as hot as it had been in Cairo.

Rani pressed on the doorbell, and a symbol of a wolf on the door growled. "Name," it ordered, its voice rough, reminding Bill of retired soldiers.

"Rani Zahra," Rani announced, "with Mr. Bill Weasley."

"In youth's spring, it was my lot. To haunt of the wide earth a spot," growled the wolf.

"The which I could not love the less; so lovely was the loneliness," Rani added automatically.

The wolf howled, and suddenly disappeared. The giant wooden doors opened, and Bill could see doors after doors down a hall until a giant staircase led up onto the next floor. "What was that about?" he asked, as Rani ushered him inside. The doors closed noisily, causing him to jump in surprise.

"The password," explained Rani, as they walked. "You'll have to learn a bunch of them soon enough. Most of them are poetry, but a few are chosen literature. That was Edgar Allan Poe. He's my favorite of the Muggles."

"Oh," said Bill. He had been observing the house very carefully. He could hear people talking behind the door, but Rani hadn't moved to open any of them, and he chose to stick close to her. He was walking on a plush blue carpet that had various golden symbols woven into it. It looked like something his mother might like. Between every door was a small lamp, decorated by fake diamonds. All of them were lit, giving an eerie glow to the hallway.

Rani and Bill climbed the stairs without exchanging any words. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, Bill wondered if he could find an owl and send a letter to his parents before they started to worry.

When they reached the next floor, Rani told him to sit down and wait for her. The floor was completely empty except for a chair, a coffee table and a door through which Rani left. The walls were painted white and the floor had been recently polished. There were portraits decorating the walls, but they all spoke rapid French, and Bill couldn't follow. One female whistled at him, however, and he could quite well catch that.

Five minutes after Rani had left, another woman appeared, carrying a tray of sandwiches, a glass and a pitcher of what looked like orange juice. She set it down on the coffee table, spoke in French, gave a curt nod, then left. Bill stared at her until he finally noticed the sandwiches were the first bits of food he had seen in quite some time. Not caring to check them for poison, he shoved as many as was physically possible into his mouth and served himself some juice.

It was at that moment that Rani appeared. "Carefully, you might choke," she said, "and that would be a pity," before telling him to follow her. Bill grabbed another sandwich and quickly obeyed.

The room Rani took him into was huge with no windows, but somehow there was still sunlight in it. There was a big mahogany desk, and sitting in a chair was a woman who looked to be around his mum's age. She was dressed in green robes, and was wearing a pointy, black hat. Smiling, she motioned for him to sit down.

"Hello, Mr. Weasley, I am Ana Bellamont," she said.

Bill reached over to shake her hand. She had a firm grip. Rani took the seat next to him with a smirk.

"Rani says you have agreed to help us with our mission," Bellamont said.

"I have," Bill agreed. "Although I accepted before I got shot at, and that might have been my mistake."

Bellamont nodded solemnly. "You see, Mr. Weasley, we play by different rules here. When going after such _powerful_ objects, we try to avoid the use of magic. It is too dangerous, not to mention Muggles might notice." Bellamont sighed. "The League holds power over every single wizard community, as you must know, and we have no choice but to go by their rules."

"No foolish wand-waving on this trip, huh?" asked Bill, getting the picture.

"Not unless it is for a most important reason," Bellamont said. "We will equip you with the necessary items, but guns within the tombs won't be of use."

"The tombs might collapse," Rani explained. "Not even Montanez's men will try it."

"Montanez?" Bill echoed. "He sent those blokes to kill us?"

"Not kill," Bellamont said. "Never kill. Those are the rules. Of course, some do bend them, but that is what makes us different from Montanez. We don't."

"Ok, so let me get this right. A quick trip to Venezuela's underground tunnels. Search a bit for this Sphere. Don't use magic unless it's an emergency. And live to get paid," Bill said, ticking his points off his fingers.

"About the payment," Bellamont said. "We are a fair organization. I understand you have a family. We are willing to send half your payment to them now and the other half when you get back."

Bill noticed there was no _if_, and wondered if it was done to not scare him. "I like that idea. Can I send a note with it?"

"Of course," Bellamont said. She pulled out a velvet pouch, and handed him a parchment and quill. "Go ahead."

_"Mum, everything's all right. Have a job outside Gringotts. I'm sending half my payment, keep it safe. Love, Bill"_ he scribbled quickly. He didn't feel like he wanted either woman to see his short letter.

Bellamont accepted the folded parchment and tied it, along with the pouch, onto the leg of an owl, and sent it off. "I have something I want to give you before Rani shows you to your hotel room," she said.

She pulled out what looked to be a large key from the inside of her robes, and settled it on the table. The point, however, looked sharp, and Bill mused that it could have been used as a dagger as well.

"This," Bellamont said, "is the key that will open most doors once you are inside the tombs. It has been passed down by generations from my family, so I expect you not to lose it, Mr. Weasley."

Bill grabbed it, and examined it carefully. It had a bit of writing in the middle, but nothing he could understand. It shone in the sunlight, and he carefully pocketed it, making a mental note to cast a permanent charm so it wouldn't fall out or something.

"Rani, I believe you can show Mr. Weasley his hotel room. You will leave tomorrow morning at nine for Caracas. Good luck to both of you." And with a snap, Bellamont had disappeared.

"You're coming with me?" Bill asked.

"Of course," Rani said indignantly. "Come on, I'll drive you to your hotel. You look like you could use some sleep… and a bath."

Bill absentmindedly sniffed himself.


	2. Into the cupboard, Out of food

**Dedications:** Ronnie, Ronnie macaroni.

**Notes:** The scene in the cupboard was inspired by a fic I read ages ago. Except there wasn't a cupboard. Or an American. Hrm. Also! Like the last chapter, this password is based from a poem by Yeats. The poem belongs only to its poet.

**Thanks:** to the beta, for, well, beta-ing.

_The jester does another spin  
And then falls to the floor  
A show of hands, a short "Hurrah!"  
A plea for him to do more..._

-- Blackmore's Night, "Fool's Gold."

**Into the cupboard.**** Out of food.**

When Bill stepped into his new room, he took a moment to notice the curtains were a lovely green colour, close them, tip the bellboy, and hit the bed, burying himself under the sheets, dirty clothes and all.

Of course, the moment he turned around, his dagger poked his rib, and he had to take a minute to undress. But he finally managed to sleep, ignoring the voices coming from the market below.

It was five in the afternoon when he woke up and remembered what had happened to him. Taking a peach from the fruit basket, he chewed on it thoughtfully while reading a guide for tourist. It recommended going to discos, and that sounded like a good idea to Bill. A bit of dancing and meeting girls was not a bad way to start this new adventure.

Finishing his peach, he threw the seed into the rubbish bin, and settled for a fresh bath. Rani had informed him that clean clothes had been bought for him, and he could find them in the closet along with shoes and other necessities.

The room's bathroom was smaller than most, but quite elegant in Bill's opinion. There were scented soaps by the sink, and something that oddly smelled like flowers and ginger. Fluffy, white towels had been brought up, and Bill tested the water with a satisfied sigh.

Singing the latest Weird Sister's song to himself, Bill helped himself to the various soaps and shampoos there were. His red hair would certainly benefit from this part of the trip, he thought, making sure the water stayed hot.

Between the singing and the rushing of the water, Bill didn't hear the door of his room open, nor the heavy footsteps that treaded on the carpet. He didn't hear the creak of the bathroom door open, but he did notice when the shower drapes were pulled apart and a gun was pointed to him.

Rani let out a shriek and stumbled backwards, covering her eyes and dropping her gun. Bill dove for the nearest towel, saw it was too small to be normal, and quickly reached for a bigger one. "What are you doing here?!" he demanded, holding on to his towel for dear life and fumbling to turn off the water.

"I'm sorry!" Rani squeaked, keeping her eyes on the toiler, and blushing strongly. "I heard screaming and thought you were in trouble."

"Screaming? I was _singing_!" Bill snapped.

"Oh," Rani said, finally gaining composure. "You could have fooled me."

"Get. Out," Bill hissed.

"It's not like it's a _big_ deal," muttered Rani, before she flounced off into the other room with a wicked grin.

Bill blushed to the tip of his ears. Quickly scrambling into the blue shirt and trousers he had brought, he combed his hair and pulled it into a ponytail.

"I'm ready," he announced to Rani, who had been flicking through the telly.

"I'm really sorry," she said again, before getting off the bed. She had changed her revealing clothes for a green button-up shirt and capris, but her wand still held up her hair in a knot.

"Bellamont wanted me to take you to an early supper," she added. "It's a wizard place, so you might like it. Unless you had other plans…."

"Sounds perfect, I'm starving," Bill said. "Lead me to the food. And then a bit of dancing."

Rani smiled. "The hotel is having a steel band play at eight. It should be fun." She picked up her handbag. "Can you drive?"

Bill grinned. "Like a broom."

"If this is how you drive a broom," Rani gasped, as they almost collided into a lamppost. "I don't want to see you playing Quidditch." She shrieked as Bill almost collided into a street vendor. "Hit the brakes, hit the brakes! Get out! You're not driving anymore."

"Relax," Bill said. "The first time I've drove, I crashed into a building. I've improved since then."

"Oh, that's good," Rani said, relaxing a bit. "How many times have you driven since?"

"One. Now."

"Oh, damn."

It took Bill another fifteen minutes until he pulled up in front of their stop. Rani thanked God, offered him a sacrifice for letting her live, and hurried out of the car. "You," she declared, "are never driving again."

Bill smirked, and put on his sunglasses. He liked them. They made him look cool. "This is the place?" he asked, looking confused. "It says _Magasin__ Antique_." It looked like an old shop that had been abandoned for centuries. Dust had gathered in the windows, and Bill thought he saw a rat run past.

Rani smirked. "Never judge a book by its cover, Mr. Weasley. I told you it was a wizard restaurant. Don't you think we'd hide it from the Muggles?"

Bill followed her into the store, and was amazed at the sudden change. It resembled a high-class pub, completed with beautiful waitresses.

Rani looked at one of the waitresses (her name tag said she was called Geneva), and carefully said, "All their helms of silver are hovering side by side."

Bill rolled his eyes, immediately knowing that this was another of the famous passwords he had yet to learn. Why they couldn't use normal codes like "the sun is smiling on the purple cow" or "twelve roosters sing pastrami" was beyond him.

"And their eyes are still fixed," responded the waitress. "'ello, Rani, Mr. Weasley. Mr. Smith is already waiting for you."

"Mr. Smith?" Bill asked, as they passed through the crowd of wizards and witches.

"He'll be teaming up with us," Rani explained. "He knows a lot about Muggle computers."

Mr. Smith resulted to be a rather short man, who looked to be around Bill's age. He was wearing clothes that had various patches and holes in them, but looked like a pleasant bloke all the same. He had a glass filled with beer, and waved when they approached.

"Eddy Smith, at your service," he said, shaking Bill's hand. "Never met anyone from Egypt. I come from the United States of America. Do. You. Understand. English?" He kept making funny signs with his hands.

"I _am_ English," Bill said with a smile.

"Oh," Eddy said, looking disappointed. But he quickly smiled again. "So you are! That's still nice, though. I'm from Florida myself to be more specific."

"Do they always talk this much?" Bill whispered to Rani.

"No, just Eddy." She cleared her throat. "Okay, Smith, we're setting off tomorrow. Are you ready?"

Eddy pulled out a briefcase from under the table. He tapped it fondly. "Laptop," he explained. "A sort of Muggle computer that can be dragged around. We'll be using it to keep tabs on Montanez's men." He turned to Bill, "We can also download porn for those cold nights when Rani kicks us out of the tent." He winked.

Rani growled. "We leave early tomorrow. The taxi shall pick you up, and take you to the motherhouse."

Eddy looked satisfied. Turning to Bill, he said, "Tell me about yourself, Billy. I've lived in Florida most of my life. But then Bellamont found me during an era of hunger, and took me in. I've spent the last three years here in Guadeloupe, learning everything I can about these Muggle inventions. Useful, but sometimes I wonder if they're worth the trouble. If you don't have a reliable laptop like the ones Biggerstaffonia offers, they'll friggin' crash on you, losing every bit of information you have. Anyway, Bellamont trained me herself. I'm a karate white belt. Do you know karate?"

"Isn't a white belt the first level of k–" Bill was cut off as Eddy patted his arm and continued talking about his new life in Guadeloupe. Bill felt overwhelmed, and slightly annoyed at being called "Billy." But Eddy looked like a pleasant chap, and it was comforting to know he and Rani wouldn't be working alone.

Rani was picking at a salad the waitress had brought her and kept staring at one of the windows. Taking a sip of water, she got up. "We have to go," she announced to Bill and Eddy in a whisper. "We're being watched."

Bill looked at the window she had been looking at, and noticed a man looking back at him. Eddy had grabbed a careful hold of his briefcase, and was following Rani to the back of the restaurant. Bill looked out at the window again. The man had gone.

"Come on, Billy," Eddy called, and Bill broke into a trot after him.

Rani had led them past the kitchens, and towards what looked like a storage room. Bill vaguely wondered if he would ever have a proper meal again, before Eddy ushered him into a hallway. Bill could hear someone running after them, and wondered why it was so important to have him killed. Currently all he needed was a big plate of chicken and potatoes, a portkey home, and he'd be more than happy to leave the Sphere of Mentality and guns behind. Alas, no, apparently making sure he took a bullet to the bum home was what these idiots had in mind.

"Weasley, in here!" snapped Rani, pulling him into a cupboard with her.

It wasn't really a big cupboard, and Bill wondered how he managed to fit in there with both Rani and Eddy. Apparently at very odd angles. Also the back of his knee itched. He wondered if he could ask Rani to scratch it for him…

"Weasley, get your hand off my arse," Rani snapped suddenly.

"What?" asked Bill, confused. "My hands are no where near your arse. Actually I think they're –" He squeezed something. Eddy squealed indignantly. "Sorry, Eddy."

"Eddy, remove your hands," Rani said.

Bill heard Eddy snicker. "Sorry, doll, was just trying to open my briefcase. I want to see where the Big and Ugly went."

The back of Bill's knee really itched now. "Rani, do you think you could reach and –"

"No," Rani snapped. Apparently she didn't like being stuck in tight spaces. Well, it wasn't like it was a picnic for him either. Sure, he had his share of cupboards with girls, but none involved a short American male.

Eddy shoved something into Bill arms. It was his briefcase. "Just hold on to that for a minute, Billy." The small area was lit up with the eerie glow of the laptop.

Bill felt a pressure in his groin. "Er, Rani, I think you're… That is, could you turn a bit? I think you're…"

"Oh," squeaked Rani, and she immediately moved, earning an "ow!" from Eddy.

"I can't check the computer if someone's covering my eyes," objected Eddy. "Who's wearing the brown shorts?"

"Oh, sorry," Bill said, moving a bit to his left. "Ow." Well, the itch had gone, but had been taken over by the pressure of someone's elbow in his ribs. "Rani…"

"Bad luck," was all she offered. And she pressed into his ribs even harder.

He smirked to himself and felt around for her arse.

"That's not Rani," Eddy snapped.

"Sorry," Bill said, immediately removing his hand.

"And if you try again, I'll smack you," Rani added. "Whoever it is, remove your hands from my stomach." There was a pause. "No, not into my trousers." Bill snickered.

"Ok, I'm getting the signals," Eddy said. "Let me see where the evil is." There was a bit of clicking, and then, "Oh."

"Oh what?" Rani demanded.

"There's a body right outside," Eddy informed, and suddenly the cupboard doors swung open.

Bill tumbled backwards, desperately grasping for something.

The man who had been following them looked amused. He pointed a gun at Rani.

Without thinking, Bill swung Eddy's briefcase and smacked the man in the face. Big and Ugly, as Eddy had called him, cried out loud, dropping the gun. Bill had broken his nose.

"Run!" yelled Rani.

Bill and Eddy broke into a run after her. "My briefcase!" howled Eddy. "I had fragile stuff in that! Couldn't you have just swung your fist at him?!"

"I could have swung _you_ at him," Bill snapped, putting an end to the brief fight.

They dashed out through a back door. Rani was holding up a small telephone, and shouting down instructions at it. Bill thought the telephone didn't really deserve a scolding for their sudden situation.

"I need a car now!" Rani was yelling. "Montanez is on to us. Reschedule the flight to Venezuela. We need to leave as early as possible. Down the street? Spiffy." She slammed the phone into her handbag, and Bill cringed. "Let's go, boys," she said.

"We're going to Venezuela tonight?" Bill asked, once they had stopped to breathe and wait for Bellamont to send them a car.

"Montanez is doing the same," Rani explained. "We can't stay behind. We'll be taking an airplane. Have you ever flown in one? We'd take a portkey, but it's too easy for Montanez to figure out."

"What's an airplane?" Bill asked Eddy.

"Likes cars, but in the air," offered Eddy. "Which means you die by falling from the sky."

Bill really didn't want to fly an airplane anymore.

Rani seemed to enjoy airplanes a lot more than Bill did. As soon as they had done airplane things (something about showing a little book with his information in it), she had told him and Eddy not to move, and she had gone to change in the toilet. She came out wearing the clothes that Bill had first seen her in, except they looked cleaner.

"We'll be spending one night in Caracas, then it's off to the Amazonas," Rani explained, while she flipped through a magazine.

Eddy had been busy typing things on his laptop. "I have a younger sister," he explained. "She worries about me. I like to tell her what I'm doing. I'm sending emails. Like owls, but through the computer."

"I have a younger sister, too," Bill said. "She's the only girl in my family. We're a bunch of boys."

Eddy grinned. "That won't suit her when she starts crushing on boys. My sister's fifteen now. I cringe every time she brings her boyfriend home."

"What's the story about Rani?" Bill asked. "No family?"

Eddy shrugged. "I don't know much about her. We've only worked on a couple of cases together. I know she used to live in California. Her parents are from India, I think, but she seems to have a more English streak." He closed his laptop. "She was engaged a year back to this guy. They broke it off when he moved to China for research purposes. She's a good gal. Keeps to herself most of the time, but likes to have friends."

"How long has she worked for Bellamont?" Bill said.

"Some time now. Possibly ever since she graduated." Eddy got up. "I'm going to buy some coffee. Want one? Or is it all tea with you Brits?"

"Coffee would be nice," Bill said. "And maybe if you could get some food?"

Eddy winked. "Sure thing. Rani?"

"Chocolate, please."

Eddy left, leaving Bill to care for his laptop, and making him promise not to swing it at anyone.

"Bellamont will have our translator meet up with us when we arrive to Caracas. He'll be joining out team," Rani said after a while.

"You and three men," Bill teased. "Must be paradise."

"It'd be paradise if one of them were worth looking," Rani shot back, but she was smiling.

Bill pretended to look hurt. "I've got plenty to look at." He pointed to his hair. "I bet you've never seen anyone with this coloured hair. Or muscles like mine."

"Weasley, I've seen twigs with more muscles than you."

"I feel offended."

"Good."

Rani resumed reading her magazine, while Bill took to studying the various people in the airport. A blonde girl was smiling and sending teasing vibes to him. Maybe he could go say hello?

"Sit down," Rani ordered when he stood up.

"What?" Bill said, feeling like a boy who had been caught stealing cookies.

"Just sit down. Here comes Eddy with your food."

Bill scowled, but welcomed Eddy's sandwiches and chocolates with open arms. The coffee wasn't too bad either. He wondered if he should save some food for the trip. What if the airplane didn't carry food? Or Venezuela had a food shortage? Bill pocketed a sandwich and a bar of chocolate, and finished his coffee.

"Do you all have everything?" Rani asked.

Eddy patted his briefcase lovingly, and Bill checked his pockets. Wand? Check. Dagger? Check. Bellamont's key? Check. Food? Check. Hrm, what was this? Oh, a contraceptive potion. Eh, best to keep it just in case.

Rani eyed him suspiciously, but didn't say anything.

Bill rolled his eyes. It's not like she'd be needing it anyway.


	3. On the Wings of Disaster

**Dedications:** Bill, because he's just so _male_.

**Notes:** I'm embarrassed to say that everything in Venezuela won't be down to pat. Many things will be different, and a few places or events will be invented.

**Thanks:** to Candy, the Vampire Slayer for beta-ing.

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_We never thought we'd get so troubled   
We could never think that much   
It should never get this bad_

-- Matchbox 20, "Shame."

**On the Wings of Disaster**

Eddy had told Bill that flying was one of the most popular ways of Muggle transportation. However, Bill didn't know how Muggles could enjoy such means when the food served was beyond atrocious. It was like someone had melted together plastic and dragon dung and served it in a pretty wrapper.

Pushing the plate away, and opening the packet of peanuts instead (the bag had said, "WARNING: PACKET MAY CONTAIN NUTS"), Bill looked out of his window. This being the first time he had flown, both Eddy and Rani had allowed him to sit next to the window, while Rani took the aisle, claiming that she liked to be closer to the exit.

"What are these for?" Bill asked Eddy, signalling to his headphones.

"See that little hole in the side of your armrest?" Eddy said. "Just put the plug in – with the little end there – and you can listen to music." He put on his own headphones to demonstrate.

Bill did as he was told, always being one to love music. "Wow," he exclaimed, perhaps too loudly since he wasn't accustomed to headphones. "Little men are singing in here!"

"Bill, shut up!" exclaimed Rani, looking nervous. "You don't have to shout. It's just a radio."

Bill grinned sheepishly, and took off the headphones. Maybe too many Muggle things at once wasn't a good thing.

"I have to go to the toilet," announced Rani after a while. "Eddy, please make sure Weasley doesn't do anything else stupid. And by that I mean don't let him do anything else besides breathing."

"No, wait, I'll go with you," Bill said, getting up. "I could use the toilet."

"You know," said Eddy. "When a man and woman go into a plane's bathroom together, it only means one thing: sex."

"Yeah, somewhere else where we aren't," snapped Rani. "Come on, Weasley."

Bill grinned at Eddy and followed. Must be pretty interesting having sex in the toilet.

The line for waiting consisted of three people, but Rani didn't look happy.

"Peanuts?" Bill asked, offering her the small packet.

Rani raised an eyebrow. "No, thank you."

"Do you come onto airplanes a lot?" he asked. He was trying to make small talk, and wondered why she didn't join him. Surely she couldn't hate him that much.

"I love flying. The food sucks, the lines to the toilet are always too long, but I love flying. It reminds me of my life before, well, this." Rani played with a lock of her hair. "My dad use to tell me that he met my mum in an airport. They bumped into each other and his briefcase flew open, so she had to help him pick everything up. They were taking the same flight, and were sitting practically near each other. I always thought it was romantic."

Bill grinned. "My parents didn't have a romance like that. They met at Hogwarts."

Rani smiled. "It's a lie. They didn't meet in the airport, they met through friends. My dad just liked telling me that story, and my mum enjoys it as much as I did."

"Oh." Bill laughed. "Er, I think it's your turn." He indicated the vacant toilet.

Caracas was noisy. It was like being at the Leaky Cauldron on a Saturday evening. When Madam Charlotte stripped for the birthday boy, and Lady Tisha did a belly dance with no clothes on. Sure, such a thing had only happened once, and Bill hadn't been there (really!), but that was what Caracas was like at the moment.

Rani was looking around for their translator, and Eddy looked nervous. He resembled a bunny in Professor Snape's classroom. Although, Bill supposed Snape wasn't fond of bunnies. But that was what Eddy looked like, clutching his briefcase with such paranoia.

Bill, however, liked Venezuela. There were pretty women everywhere. They winked at him, and wore little clothes. Some even stopped to say "hola" to him. And there was also food at every corner. Men and women waved packets some sort of fried bananas in plastic wrappings. He had already purchased various items of food, just by waving a five thousand Bolivar bill in their faces. They smiled and called him "gringo." Which must have been Spanish for good-looking. Obviously.

"Bill, Eddy," Rani called, waving at them. She was standing next to a man and a dog. The man was wearing a black shirt with seven white stars and looked in the need of a shave. The dog was a Jack Russell, and immediately approached Bill, wagging its tail and nipping at his ankles playfully.

"This is José Gregorio," Rani explained. "He'll be our translator. And this is his dog, Zorro."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," José said, shaking both Bill's and Eddy's hands. His accent was thick, causing his English to be a bit drowned out. "Your reservations at the hotel have been set. I'll drive you there. We set off for the Amazonas tomorrow afternoon."

"I'm not too fond of dogs," Eddy said, using his briefcase to swat at the hyper Zorro. "Got bit in the ass by one when I was six. Took a chunk right out, and the Mediwitches could never replace it."

Bill laughed. "I'm sure Zorro wouldn't dream of biting your arse, Eddy. Who knows what you've sat on."

"And there's that British humour we all love," Eddy said dryly.

"Montanez hasn't arrived in Venezuela yet," José informed Rani while they walked to the car. "He made a detour in Aruba, and probably won't arrive until tomorrow night. He doesn't have a clue you're here early."

"How are we going to be managing the tombs?" Rani asked.

"We'll be portkeying to Puerto Ayacucho, which is the only town in the whole state," explained José. "From there, a car will be ready for us, so we can drive as far as the road leads us south. And then it's sailing the river until we reach the tombs."

"Must be a lot of people if there's only one town," commented Bill.

"Si, unless you count the Indians that live there," José said. "We'll be trying to avoid them, though. They don't like us very much."

"The tombs should be easier. We'll set up camp a distance from it. Eddy manages his computer outside, Weasley and I will take the inside," Rani said. "We'll have to work fast to find this Sphere."

"I've broken into worst tombs within a day," said Bill. "It'll be a piece of cake."

Rani scowled. "This isn't just about wand waving, Weasley. We're up against another team. A team with guns, remember?"

Bill waved his hand dismissively. "We'll do it. You'll see."

Eddy smirked. "Especially when you see what Bellamont sent us. Cameras, microphones, the top Muggle technology."

"I'm not familiar with most Muggle things," Bill said, embarrassed.

"No problem, Billy," Eddy said, shrugging, "I don't know what half this stuff is for either."

Rani rolled her eyes. "While we're staying at the hotel, try to keep a low profile. Don't talk to people unless you have to. Don't try to make an attempt to speak Spanish, unless you are positive you know how. Keep an eye out for Montanez's men, and report to me the moment one of you gets into trouble."

"You're insulting me, Rani," Eddy said, puffing out his chest. "I know how to speak Spanish a bit. I did live in Florida after all."

"Yeah, such as?" Rani asked.

"I can say bathroom," said Eddy, proudly. "El toileto, right, José?"

"Si, gringo," said José, laughing.

Bill wondered why he called Eddy good-looking. Maybe José was gay.

Bill had never really been in a hotel, much less in a Muggle one. But he was quite impressed to say that Muggles didn't do a bad job, at least not in Caracas.

José had brought them to what he said was the number one hotel in Caracas, if not the entire country: El Tamanaco. It was huge, and the people were friendly. And there was this dreamy-looking swimming pool in which Eddy had taken over, winking at some girls from New York who were spending the week. José had gone to the bar, promising to be back before nightfall. Zorro had accompanied him.

Bill had wanted to hit the restaurant, try some of those Venezuelan delicacies. Of course, Rani had other ideas.

"You boys will sleep in the living room," she announced, lugging her suitcase into the bedroom. "The sofa can be turned into a bed, and there's plenty of floor."

"Wait a minute," Bill objected, following her. "You can't make us sleep there. We don't fit. Eddy and José can take the sofa, you and I will share this room."

Rani raised an eyebrow. "There's one bed in here, Weasley, and I will not be sharing it with you."

"It's a big bed!" exclaimed Bill. "The both of us _and_ Eddy could fit in there." Not that, of course, he'd wanted to be sharing a bed with Eddy.

Rani hmphed, but didn't say anything.

"It's just one night," added Bill. "And I'll keep to my side."

"Fine," said Rani. "But if so much as one of your red hairs cross onto my side, you'll be sleeping in the bathtub."

Bill shrugged. "I'll pretend I'm sleeping under the Angel Falls. I'll make Eddy play the ukulele. Maybe Zorro could howl and pretend to be a wolf."

"I don't think there are wolves near the Angel Falls," Rani said.

"There aren't supposed to be people playing the ukulele either."

Rani smiled and shook her head. "You're something special, Weasley."

"I like to think so," Bill said. "Accompany me to eat something. José says Venezuelan cooking is really good."

"You just ate on the plane!" Rani exclaimed. "And then all that junk food in the airport."

"That stuff they served us on the plane was not food," Bill said. "I'm well acquainted with food, and that wasn't it."

Rani looked incredulous. "Well, the restaurant by the pool serves pizzas. We can probably have Eddy join us."

Bill rubbed his hand together. A predatory look gleamed in his eyes. "Excellent!"

Rani never had brothers of any kind, nor did she tend to associate a lot with men. So it came as a big surprise to her to see that both Bill and Eddy ate a lot. The amount of what they ate together was probably enough to feed a small African country.

"Waiter," called Bill, waving his bread roll in the air, "another _hamburguesa_ please." He signalled towards the last bit of his hamburger to emphasize his point.

"Si, señor, ¿algo más?" the waiter asked.

"Pizza," was all Eddy mumbled. He was drinking his fifth glass of coke.

"Don't you two think you have eaten enough?" Rani asked. She had consumed only two slices of Eddy's pizza and a fruit punch. Bellamont wasn't going to be happy when she saw the bill.

"Eat lots, live merry," said Bill. "That's what my family believes in."

"I'll drink to that," Eddy agreed, clinking his glass with Bill's.

"You should try the arepas, Rani," Bill said, passing her the basket of arepas. "They're really good."

Rani scrunched up her nose. "No, thank you. I think I'll save them for supper."

José approached them at that moment, and Zorro dove under the table, nipping at Bill's feet playfully.

"If you'd like to get a bit of feel for Venezuela, señores," he said, "tonight there's going to be a drum band playing in the Plaza Bolívar. It's always nice to go and dance. I'll be happy to take you."

"I'm not much of a dancer, but it sounds like fun," Eddy said.

"Dancing to drums is easy," Bill said, smiling. "Piece of pie. Anyone want desert?"

Bill was wrong. Drum dancing was not easy. He had thought it was just bopping up and down to the strokes of the drum, but it was not a piece of pie. The beat was fast and frequent. José had told him the dancing was all in the hips. He had to, and he was appalled to say this, shake his hips. He calmly told José that British men did not shake their hips.

Rani had explained him it was like belly dancing. All in the hips, a shimmer here and there, and lots of foot work. Drum dancing was a tradition in Venezuela since it had been discovered by Columbus and Africans had been brought over as slaves.

Of course, Rani managed to drum dance wonderfully. Bill couldn't.

Eddy was having a blast. He couldn't dance either, but that didn't seem to stop him. He had made friends with a Venezuelan girl, and she was teaching him to dance. Every so often she'd laugh.

"Come on, Weasley, dance with me," begged Rani. She was shaking her hips in time to the music.

"My hips don't shake," he said over the music.

"Pfft," muttered Rani, and she grabbed his hands. "Look, it's easy. Just move your hips from side to side with the music." Bill tried, and felt foolish. Rani smirked. "Left, right, left, right. Hear the bum, bum, bum? That's what you follow."

Bill tried again. It wasn't too hard. Left, right, left, right. Whoops, he stepped on Rani. She didn't seem to mind, though. Left, right, left, right. The music was getting faster.

"Good job, Weasley. Now the fast the bum, bum-ing, the faster you change sides." She demonstrated with a particular difficult piece. Her hips looked like a blur in time with the music.

"Your turn," she announced.

Bill tried, and he did pretty well. Ron would have laughed until he had a coughing fit if he could see his older brother like this.

"Look at Billy go," Eddy said, joining him. "Sweet things these Venezuelan girls. Always helpful."

Rani smiled at both of them, waggled her hips some more, and went to dance with José.

It was then that a blonde woman approached Bill, her hips also moving towards the beat.

"Hola," she said, smiling at him. Eddy nudged him in the ribs and winked.

"No hablo español," Bill said, feeling slightly embarrassed.

The woman laughed. "Then I'm happy I took those English courses," she said, laying a hand on his arm.

Bill grinned. "I'm Bill Weasley," he said, with a small bow. He pushed Eddy slightly, who took the hint and sulked away.

"Susanna Reyes," she introduced. Her hand hadn't left him arm yet. "I'm a professor at the University of Andres Bello."

"I haven't visited that yet," Bill said, wondering if he could talk Rani into a short stop. Probably not. Although she'd probably be impressed he wanted to see a university.

"I'd be glad to show you around," Susanna said. She smiled flirtatiously.

"Bill!" Bill cringed as he heard Rani call him. She was stalking towards them, and she did not look happy.

"Bill, we're leaving," she announced. She glared at Susanna.

Susanna gave Bill a sad puppy look, but didn't say anything.

"Uh," muttered Bill, wondering since when Rani had him on a very tight leash. "Rani, this is Susanna. She's a professor at one of the universities here."

"That's lovely," Rani said coldly. "Let's go Weasley." She was tugging on his arm.

"Maybe you'll stop by the university some time," Susanna said.

"I'd like that," yelled Bill, as Rani dragged him away. Once Rani had him in the car, he turned towards her, "I was having fun, you know?"

"Well, I'm glad you're having fun while we're suppose to be looking for an object that might destroy man-kind as it is," Rani snapped. Eddy was trying not to snicker, and even José, who was concentrating on driving, was smiling.

"There you go sounding like a bloody book again," Bill said. "Read too much, Zahra?"

Rani glowered. "Do I have to leave a trail of women towards the tombs just to get you there, _Weasley_?"

"Nah," said Bill dismissively. "Just strip down to your knickers, and I'll follow."

_Smack!_ Rani's hand slapped his face, and hard. Bill touched it, and flinched. "You bloody twit," he snapped.

Rani just glared, and crossed her hands across her chest.

"Now children," said Eddy, "don't make me put you in separate corners and think about what you've done. We're going to be together for a long time, no need to have fist fights."

Bill and Rani just glared. They were sharing a bed tonight, and neither was happy about it.


	4. The Race Has Started

**Dedications: **The Rules of the Game is dedicated to Ron, who never reads it anyway.

**Notes:** The author would like to make note that she has no control over Bill Weasley. His hands go where he wants them to go.

**Thanks:** who else?

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_The life which is unexamined is not worth living. _

-- Plato (427 BC - 347 BC), Dialogues, Apology

**The Race Has Started**

Despite being called "Billy", Bill found himself enjoying Eddy's presence by and by. He had a knack for making Bill laugh and irritating Rani at the same time. Also he seemed to talk a lot, which Eddy claimed was just the "American way of being." Rani had objected at this, as well as José, claiming he was a _Northern_ American and was too thick to see the rest of the land connected to his country that constituted as "America". This only caused Eddy to laugh some more.

And what impressed Bill the most was Eddy's ability around Muggle machines, especially computers. He would whip out his laptop, tap some buttons, and immediately announce that Montanez was setting off for Venezuela. Bill knew his father would love to meet Eddy, and Eddy would probably enjoy the attention.

José was also a good man, who kept mostly to himself and Zorro. He had told them he had grown up in los Llanos, in a small ranch that now served as a tourist spot. He did odd end jobs for Bellamont, and enjoyed working with Rani (Bill was left to believe he was the only one). His English was quite good but was sometimes blurred out through his accent. He had promised to take Bill to the beaches of Margarita once they were done here and if Bill hadn't grown sick of the country.

Rani, on the other hand, was bossy and irritating at times. Bill liked her, she could put up a good fight, but it looked like she didn't believe he was capable of his job. Which was extremely insulting, of course. But Bill knew that he would be in charge of the tombs soon enough, and looked forward to bossing her around a bit.

Bill smiled, and put on his shirt, making sure that his jacket carried his essentials. Looking around for his belt, he could hear Rani turning on the shower in the small bathroom. José and Eddy had left for breakfast, leaving the "destructive duo", as Eddy had so kindly put it, alone.

Searching some more for his belt (it wasn't under the bed or behind the night table), he wondered if they would run into Montanez. He wasn't looking forward to get reacquainted with guns, even if Rani carried one around with her. Women and guns looked sexy. Bullets in him did not.

"Bloody hell," he exclaimed, having given up on his belt. He pulled out his wand. This was an emergency, he told his conscious, and clearly said, "_Accio_ belt!"

There was a thick _thunk_ against the bathroom door and Bill groaned. Only his belt would choose to be in a room with a showering Rani, who had informed him if he so much as set one foot into the bathroom, she'd set all the Indian gods on him.

"How many gods are there?" he had asked, curious.

"Too many," was all she answered.

Bill pondered his situation like a proper tomb raider would have. Rani had just started to shower, and he knew that she was a fast one, unlike other _normal_ women. He would have time enough, if he was quiet, to grab his belt. He could do it. He was not afraid of Rani and her Indian gods.

_"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,"_ Charlie's voice intruded his mind.

Bill gathered his legendary Gryffindor courage, and slowly opened the door. Cringing when it slightly creaked, he scanned the floor for his belt. It was neatly placed on top of the sink, and he knew that Rani must have picked it up. Bill Weasley did not know the meaning of the word neat.

Hurrying towards it, he let out a small mental cheer when his fingers grasped the leather. However, he froze when he heard the _swish_ of the shower curtain opening. Rani let out a predictable shriek.

Lucky for her, Bill had already turned around, and immediately froze. "Was getting my belt," he said, waving the offending item.

"Couldn't you wait?" she demanded. He heard her feet hit the cold floor. "Get out!"

"I guess we're even then," he said, and immediately regretted it.

"_What_?" Rani's voice was cold.

"You saw me, I barge in on you." Bill cleared his throat, and quickly exited the bathroom. In the nick of time, because a bar of soap had just smashed against the wall.

Bill snickered to himself as he buckled his belt. He hadn't meant for any of that to happen, but since it had he was quite please with the annoyance he had found in Rani's words.

"You are an arsehole," she announced once she came out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a blue towel. "I should have your balls ripped off for that. They do it in some cultures, you know."

"Don't you wear anything else?" asked Bill. Rani had come out wearing the same outfit she had the day they met, except instead of a white shirt she had changed it for a khaki jacked much like his.

"I like these," Rani said indignantly. "They're comfortable and easy to move around in." She looked at herself doubtfully.

"It's fine, it's fine," Bill said, knowing well that this would lead to a "do you think I'm fat?" fight. Well, it did with Ginny anyway. "You won't hear any arguments from the boys."

Rani scowled. Bill noticed her gun was strapped to her leg and he wondered if she actually found that comfortable.

"We better get going," Rani said, as she zipped up her bag. "We need to start early. Eddy said Montanez would arrive to Caracas in an hour or so." She handed Bill a small gun. He looked at it suspiciously. He had never really used such a thing. "What?" she asked, seeing his expression.

"I've never used one of these before," Bill said.

Rani rolled her eyes. "You won't need it yet. I'll explain it to you when we reach Amazonas. Come on." She took one last look around the room, and left.

Bill sighed. This was going to one long adventure.

If there was one thing that Bill had found out it was that Eddy screamed like a girl. Also, it seemed that any wizard that was associated with Muggle ways hated his way of driving. Why, though, was beyond Bill.

"Dog! Dog!" yelled Eddy, clutching onto his seat belt for dear life.

"Car! Car!" added Rani, grabbing hold onto Bill's arm, in hope she'd be able to take over the steering wheel.

"A la verga!" was all José offered, closing his eyes tightly. Zorro howled pitifully.

Bill took a left, and smiled to himself. For his third time at driving he was quite good. It wasn't his fault this was a Muggle car and things wouldn't jump out of his way.

"Bill, turn!" Rani snapped. She looked like _she_ wanted to shoot a bullet into his bum.

"How much longer is it until this portkey station?" Eddy asked. "Lamp post!"

"I told you Bill shouldn't drive," said Rani. "But did you listen to me? Of course not!"

"I drive like Batman in his Batmobile," Bill said proudly.

"Batmobile?" Eddy died in a fit of snickers.

Bill frowned. "You know, how he had this huge car. And he drove it all over Godham city."

"Gotham city," corrected Rani, hiding a smile. "Yes, Bill, you're Batman." Both she and Eddy went into another fit of giggles.

"And," continued Rani, "if you're Batman, I think we should dub Eddy Robin. I think I have a pair of tights that might fit you."

Eddy puffed out his chest. "I always saw myself more of an eagle, thank you very much. You could be… what's her name? Catwoman?"

"Meow," Rani hissed.

Zorro barked enthusiastically.

"We're being followed," announced José.

Bill peered through his mirror. Indeed there was a black car keeping a distance. "How can you be sure?" he asked.

"These streets aren't common for such cars. Plus it's been behind us since the hotel." José unbuckled his seatbelt, and moved closer to Bill. "Turn right. We'll see if we can lose him."

Bill made the sudden turn, the squeals of the tires making Zorro bark some more. "Bugger, they're still after us," he said. He made the next turn, almost running over a rubbish bin.

"Eddy, get the owner of the license plate," ordered Rani. "It's probably one of Montanez's goons. I just need an a-okay to shoot."

"Shoot?" said Bill. Shooting was not good. When you shot, you got shot back at.

Eddy had flipped open his laptop and was busy typing away. Bill focused on the road ahead of him. He turned left again.

"Come on, Eddy," Rani said, her voice tight.

"Just a minute, doll," Eddy said. "And… we've got it! It's Montanez. Shoot. Bill, keep going forward. I'm going to find the quickest way to the portkey station."

Rani had already gotten two guns from somewhere (Bill suspected from her bra. Surely her breasts hadn't been that big the day before), and hit the button to make the window open.

"Make sure I don't get shot," she told Bill, before easing herself onto the side of the car. Bill heard the now familiar sound of bullets, and tried to maintain his speed. If Rani fell out of the car, she'd have a cow.

She had hoisted herself in sitting position, using her legs to keep her firmly onto the ledge. Her boots clutched onto the chair, and her muscles tightened with every turn. She shot clearly at the following car, trying her best to bring down the windows.

"Turn right," instructed Eddy.

"No!" said José. "There's no way pass. It's bordered up."

"You can break it down," Eddy said. "The computer's telling me it's just blocks of wood. Go on, Billy. It's the quickest way we've got."

Bill swerved right. Rani cried out in indignation, but continued shooting. People kept jumping out of their ways, and someone even cried out, "Chavista!"

"This guy just won't stop!" yelled Rani. "His windows are down, and I can't get a clear shot without killing him."

"Then do it!" Bill yelled back, as he took another left instructed by Eddy and José.

"I can't. Rules of the game." Rani fired some more. She dispatched one gun, and used her free hand to steady herself.

"Ok," said Eddy, "after this right turn you're going to be three-hundred metres away from the bordered block. Hit it with full power."

The black car banged into them from behind. Rani yelped and clutched onto the roof of the car. "Bastards!" she yelled, aiming for the car's tires.

"Rani, get in here!" Bill ordered.

"No, I can get this shot. Slow them down a bit."

"Inside now!"

"No!"

"Zahra, I am your boss on this bloody mission, and I'm now ordering you to get your bloody body into the bloody car!"

The closed-off road was approaching, and Bill sped up the car. Rani reluctantly eased herself into the car, but not before firing off another shot.

"Good girl," Bill said. "You'll get a cookie for that."

"Idiot," she muttered.

The looming wood looked upon them. It wasn't too high, and didn't look to sturdy. Why the Venezuelans had chosen to close off this road was a mystery, but it didn't look dangerous.

"Ok, everyone, buckle up. We're hitting it hard." Bill pressed down hard on the accelerator. The car zoomed forward, and within minutes they had taken down the planks of wood.

"How are Montanez's goons doing?" Bill asked, trying to regain his breath. Rani looked pale, and was covering her mouth with the back of her hand.

"He's not behind us anymore," José said. "We lost him for a bit." He wiped his brow with a handkerchief. "No more shortcuts."

"Now just continue forward," Eddy said. "You'll see a big building. It'll look abandoned, but you can park in front of it. We'll need to hurry. By the way, that driving was spectacular."

Bill grinned.

The portkey station was pleasant. There were lines depending on language, where women who looked like live Barbies were busy issuing portkeys to their registered owners. The building itself, from the inside, was entirely made of glass, yet nothing except a faint yellow glow could be seen outside. Plants of different regions decorated the building along with a few statues, who kept talking about the weather.

Bill and his team took the Spanish-speaking line, since it had been with the least people, and José had said the service would be quicker. There was only another woman in front of them, clutching her son tightly. She was talking loudly, saying that she had asked for a portkey to Yugoslavia, but everyone kept telling her to come back. Her husband, she said, was there, and he needed to be found immediately. The Barbie behind the counter had told her to go speak to the Ministry instead.

Bill shuffled his feet impatiently, trying desperately to not let his rumbling stomach sound too loudly. When it finally became their turn (the mother had left in an indignant huff), José quickly explained about their registered portkey to Puerto Ayacucho.

The Barbie looked at the group suspiciously, but gave them no fight, and went to get their portkey. This time in came in the shape of an empty bottle. In Spanish, she explained it was registered as a one-way trip, and they'd have to find their way back. If they needed a portkey, they could always Floo or send an owl. They would, of course, have to have a permission slip from the Ministry. The Barbie explained some more about regulations, until she finally forked over the portkey.

"Three minutes until it's activated," she chirped, before heading off to her coffee break, leaving the man behind them grumbling in disgust.

José ushered them to a more secluded corner. "It probably wouldn't be wise to go outside," he said. "We have everything here, right?" Everyone nodded. Bill patted his pocket, satisfied when he felt Bellamont's key.

Bill felt a pep talk was in need. "Well, mates, we've come this far. We've been through shooting, bad food and no food, which was worse," he started. "We're slowly meeting ends like a bunch of old school chaps going out for a drink in a bar. And now we're going in for the big stuff. We're going to get this Sphere of whatsit, and getting our earnings. We can do it." He offered them a brilliant smile.

"Touching," Rani said dryly. "Now everyone just touch the damn bottle."

They were gone in less than a second to a place of heat, humidity and acromantula-sized mosquitoes.


	5. Hello Amazonas!

_Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone. _

-- The Dhammapada

**He-llo Amazonas!**

Puerto Ayacucho, the rundown capital of Amazonas, was the most boring city Bill had ever seen. Percy made his talks on Pixie Mating Rituals sound more interesting. The whole place seemed to be invaded with a plague of mosquitoes. And not just any mosquitoes; huge beasts of leggy things that looked like that had been around since the dinosaurs' age. And then there was the heat. It was like he was standing right under the sun. The sweat made his ponytail clump to the back of his neck. He had tried to rearrange it a hundred times but his luck had run short. He wondered if he could just get a machete from one of the natives and cut the bloody thing off. His mother would be happy.

Eddy, however, had been the one to complain the most. When Rani had directed them to see Plaza de los Indios, which was a square where all the Indians gathered to sell and buy, he had managed to get into a fight with one of the women. It had led to both of them yelling in their own language at each other, pointing and waving arms in a fit. José had started to apologize profoundly to the woman while Rani gave Eddy the evil look and explained to him what he was being accused off.

"I was not looking at her breasts!" Eddy said exasperatedly.

Bill patted his arm sympathetically. "It's not your fault, mate," he said. "They shouldn't have them so out in the open anyway."

The woman shot both of them an evil glare, muttering "gringo" under her breath.

While Eddy and Rani packed up all the important technological supplies onto their canoe, Bill wandered around. He was starting to get desperate for something to eat. His prayers seemed to be answered when a young boy appeared around the corner. He was mixing some red beans in a bowl and had various packets of the same beans hanging around his neck. They did look quite delicious and Bill was sure he could buy some more for the trip.

"Dame veinte," Bill asked, signalling ten fingers, closing his fist, then showing ten fingers again.

The boy nodded, seeming to understand. "Cinco mil bolívares," he said, writing five thousand in the sand and motioning to his pocket.

José grabbed Bill's hand the moment he held out his money to the Indian. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," he advised.

Bill gave him a confused look. "What? Why?"

José nodded towards the bowl and Bill took a closer look. His red beans were now wriggling around the bowl, looking like a million red ants. Bill peered closer. Ok, so they were ants. Bill tried not to look too embarrassed.

Rani was snickering behind him, and even Eddy – Eddy, who was almost always on his side! – was trying to hide his laughter.

José gave him a soft smile. "Here," he said, pulling out a banana from his bag. "I think this will suit you better."

The trip down the river was quite soothing and the surroundings were beautiful to look at. You could spot all sorts of animals and plants. The heat had not gone down since their arrival, but with the soft sailing on the canoes it didn't seem too drastic.

"We'll travel past sunset," José was explaining. "Our destination is a bit off from the places tourists go, but I don't want us to risk staying somewhere else during nightfall."

"Good idea," Rani agreed. "Bill, what do you think? If we continue on perfect track we'll make it by eleven."

Bill peered at her over his sunglasses. "And if we pick up some speed?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"This is about the fastest we can go," José said. "Maybe when we reach stronger currents, but…"

Bill was twirling his wand in the air with a grin. "Don't you think this would save us a lot of time?" he asked, although it was quite obvious he would do it anyway.

"Excellent idea!" exclaimed Eddy. "Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Because it's considered _cheating_," snapped Rani. "You heard Bellamont. Only if it's the _most important reason_."

"I'd consider it important," Bill said calmly. "You know, us getting to our destination before nightfall, before Montanez's goons catch us."

"Well, I don't agree with it," Rani said. "And I don't think you should do it."

"Do it, do it!" Eddy said. Zorro seemed to bark his agreement. "Time is essential. Go on, Billy!"

Bill gave Rani an apologetic smile which she returned with a scowl. Pointing to the back part of the canoe, he announced, "_Veloxoris_!"

_Vroooom_. The canoe sped forward. Eddy yelped and grabbed his laptop before it went overboard. José muttered something in Spanish, but looked pleased with the progress they were making. Zorro had retired to the back of the boat and was barking at the bubbles the canoe left behind. Only Rani didn't seem impressed and was trying to adjust her hair.

"Looks like we'll make it by sunset then," Bill said pleased with himself. "I think it's time someone filled me in on this tomb I'm breaking into." He patted the breast pocket where the key was hidden. "Do we know _where_ this Sphere is?"

Rani nodded at Eddy, who started up his laptop. Soon there was what looked to be like the blue prints of the tomb itself. From what Bill could see, the place was formed by three floors. Only two were above ground and the third seemed to run extensively underground.

"The _Vetula Tomb_," said Rani. "At least that is what the archaeologists call it. They've only been able to search a portion of the first floor, but never beyond. They just don't make it out alive."

Eddy pointed to the middle floor. "That is what we call the first floor, right? According to the limited research done on it, we can tell it's mainly composed of broken down walls. Paintings and pottery adorn the place as well as jewellery and gold pieces. The place is rather easy to find, but getting in is the hard part. It's been booby-trapped worse than any Gringotts."

"Even the one in Russia?" Bill interrupted.

"Even the one in Russia," Eddy confirmed. "The floor above the first – we simply call it the second floor – has never been accessed before. We believe it carries important treasures to the people buried there."

"Such as the Sphere," José said.

"What about the floor under the first?" Bill asked, going into his work mode. "Do we have an idea of what's there?"

"Rumour has it that's where the actual graves are," Rani explained. "And from the little we know it's possible true. If you look at the plans, you can see it's the biggest chamber, running possibly until the point of the river."

"I think that's where the Sphere is," Bill said.

"What?" Eddy asked, looking hard at the blue prints as if he had missed something.

"Well, if the second floor is _known_ to be filled with treasures, why would they hide something that valuable as the Sphere there?" Bill said, looking thoughtful. "Harder it would be to find underground, in an extensive area, where the traps are stronger."

Rani and Eddy exchanged looks. "I suppose," said Rani slowly, "but don't you think prized possessions carry better traps?"

Bill smiled. They had reached his level of expertise. "In my experience," he began, sounding a lot like Percy, "people – any kind of people – want death to be about them. The big bam, the top of the pops, the sun to be shinning right above their heads."

"That would make some sense," Rani said, nodding.

"Exactly! They want everything to be revolved around them. Don't you see? It's their art, their pottery, or at least the sort they appreciated when they were alive. Those treasures up in the attic? _Theirs_. And, of course, we'll be facing worse things than on the first floor, but it's the basement we're looking for!"

"I don't think they'd appreciate it if you call their eternal resting place a basement," Eddy interrupted. "But Billy's point does see reason."

"So you think we should move to the, er, basement first?" Rani asked Bill.

Bill smirked and nodded. "It's all about the ego," he said.

Eddy looked at the blue prints carefully. "Let me see if I can give you an idea of what to expect in there. The records only say so much."

"Do we have them here?" Bill asked. "The records I mean."

"No," Rani said grouchily. "They're locked up with the League. But basically they're pretty vague. A trap at the very entrance, nothing specific. The first hallway seems to be pretty safe, but the last report said there were holes in the ground and the floor was starting to give away."

Bill took in the information, trying to analyze every aspect. "How many ways do we know that lead into the Vetula?"

Eddy looked confused and said, "There are no other ways in. Just one. You know, the one everyone has used to get inside."

Bill waggled his eyebrows and José grinned.

"Obvious openings are better laced with traps," José said, looking at Bill for confirmation. "If we can find another one…"

"Exactly!" Bill said. He liked this. He was finally feeling like the boss. "There has to be another opening, somewhere. Most tombs carry them."

"Eddy, can you make that happen?" Rani asked.

Eddy scowled. "It'd be easier if we just _broke open_ a hole, but I'll see what I can do." He started typing furiously on his laptop. Bill could catch glimpses of various photographs and statistic bars.

José coughed quietly, grabbing Bill's attention. "Señor," he said, his voice barely above a whisper, "I thought it'd be wise to inform you on some of the myths of this country. Of course, to mere people they are just myths, but to you and I…"

"Everything is possible," agreed Bill. "What Muggles cannot see, we might be able to. What's up, José?"

"There's this story of this monster that goes around sucking the blood out of animals. We thought it might be vampires – the bat kind – but it's too much blood for them to be drinking. And, tu sabes, that the undead don't really eat animals," José said. "We call it the Chupa Cabra."

"Goat sucker," said Bill. "I've heard of it." The canoe made a nasty bump and Eddy swore loudly.

"Si," nodded José. "Now, I have no proof, but many men have said the Chupa Cabra resides in Vetula."

"You think we might go against it?" Bill asked. He was trying to remember anything he might have read about such creature, but kept coming up with blanks.

José nodded. "I just thought a warning would be good. Keep you on your toes."

"I appreciate it," Bill said. "Now I know to take Eddy along in hopes of offering him as a sacrifice.

Both men laughed. The birds were chirping loudly and gracing the sky with their presence. It looked like their time to sleep was approaching and that meant sunset came as well. There was a slight movement behind a tree, but no one thought too much of it.

Bill slapped at a mosquito that had been making a feast of his arm. Rani was looking ahead, her breath uneven. Eddy was glaring at his laptop, muttering something about how he didn't love her anymore. José and Zorro seemed to both be admiring their environment.

So far they hadn't seen head or hide of Montanez's men. Bill hoped that was a good thing.

The moment the canoe reached shore and people had set their feet on ground, the following actions became rapid. The canoe (which later had a shrinking spell applied to it) was unpacked and the team hurried through the thick jungle. José took the lead and Bill took the end with Zorro. They carried everything they could and trekked through the thick vines. Eddy was humming some song to himself, carrying his equipment carefully. Rani kept looking around her with every step, as if expecting someone to suddenly jump out at her.

"We'll be staying a few kilometres away from the tomb itself," Rani said as they carefully went up hill. "However we will be able to see the top of Vetula. I thought you might like that."

Bill nodded, but didn't say anything. He was wondering what his parents were thinking about him right now. Where they worried or frightened? Was his mother having a fit? Did Ginny and Ron know where he was?

"Señor!" José called out. "We've arrived."

The campground was set in a small clearing. Bill could hear the running of a steam nearby. The others had already started to unpack. Zorro was sniffing every tree in his view. The trees and animals seemed to communicate. It was like they were telling each other the news of the travellers.

The place was surely enthralling.


	6. Bring Out the Welcoming Mat

**Dedications:** To Ron, who shines like the sun. Also, to the beta Candy, for loving this fic more than she should.

**Notes:** 1) In case there is confusion or simple curiosity, "gringo" is a term for people from the USA. Not really nice, I suppose, but it's used frequently. 2) Due to the fact the setting is in Venezuela, land of sun and heat, the potion for Doyle's little sun problem is added. What use is a dusted vampire to us anyway?

**Thanks:** to the beta, and the reviewers at FictionAlley.

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The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.

_-- Herb Caen_

**Bring Out the Welcoming Mat******

Doyle Faris knew more about Bellamont than perhaps anyone else. After all, he had been around for a long, long time. Bellamont was the sort of person that did favours in the necessity that when she was in hot water, she'd just come around and collect what was hers. It was perhaps, quite like survival of the fittest.

"Bellamont will see you now," the receptionist said. She had a light Southern accent in her voice, and looked at him with dopey eyes.

Doyle walked into the office, only stopping to wink at one of the portraits. He slightly played with his blond hair before sitting down.

"Hello, Doyle," Bellamont said pleasantly. "How was Shanghai?"

Doyle raised an eyebrow. Bellamont never asked how his travels went. If he found any information, it was immediately directed to the appropriate department. Only if he was unsuccessful did a talk with Bellamont show up, but he knew that the research done in Shanghai had been more that pleasing.

"It was educational," Doyle said, choosing his words carefully. "We found many ancient scrolls that led back to the Dark Ages. I've set them along to Terrence."

Bellamont smiled. "That's excellent to hear. You know how irreplaceable you are to Biggerstafonia Private Incorporations."

The receptionist came in. "May I get the sir something to drink?" she asked. "Coffee, tea, blood?"

Doyle gave a toothy smile. "Blood would be great. Do you have something with an A in it?"

The receptionist gave a disgusted looked and said, "I'm sure there's something," before flouncing off.

"Do excuse April," Bellamont said. "She is not used to serving vampires."

Doyle shrugged. He looked around the office warily. They were being polite to each other. Like two old crones discussing over the weather when their prized children were about to be wed. "Ok, Bellamont, let's cut the crap. Why am I here?" he asked, trying to sound annoyed and bored.

Bellamont smiled, perhaps happy that Doyle was aware of his surroundings. "I know you're set for Mulhouse in a few days, but I have a new mission for you."

Doyle raised an eyebrow. They had found magnificent hieroglyphics in a mural in Mulhouse and he was quite keen on seeing it. "Where would I be working?" he asked. He hoped it wasn't Africa. He hated the heat and the smell of death. Blood just wasn't as good there.

"Venezuela," was Bellamont's curt answer. "We're having the Vetula dejinxed and I'd like you to take over the intellectual area once it's done."

"Why didn't I go along with the raider?" Doyle asked. "It's not like any of the traps can actually kill me… unless it's like that stupid fire pit in Biak or those sliding knives of doom in Arad."

Bellamont looked almost amused. Almost. "I would rather we wait until the tomb is secure for you to move on. Many have tried and failed to rid it of all its jinxes and you're too valuable to be staked."

_Bull_, Doyle thought, but didn't say it. He'd been to riskier tombs than Vetula. He'd almost had a zombie rip his neck off in Rome once.

Ah, vampirism, only three ways you could die. Fire, beheading, or a nice cliché way of having a stake driven through your heart. Sunlight, not quite a problem. Wizards had a charming little potion he took once a day like a good boy to prevent hissing up into dust.

"How long until I leave for Venezuela then?" he asked. He wondered what was so special about this raider that he couldn't go along with.

"Our team of raiders has just arrived there, so we're hoping it'll take them no longer than a few days to get what we need. Once we're sure everything is all right, you and your team can go." Bellamont opened a drawer from her desk and pulled out a small stack of papers. "Here is some information on Vetula and Venezuela you might need. Quarters have been prepared here for you and your team."

She was signalling the end of their conversation and Doyle knew it.

He accepted the papers and got up. "All right," he said, "I'll be waiting."

With a curt nod, he left. His boots not making any sound against the polished floor.

When Bellamont had said she had prepared quarters for Doyle, what she really had meant was that she had made room in one of her linen closets for him and his team of two other people.

Three beds and one desk had been fitted all into the space. There was one small window above one of the beds and there was no toilet, much less a bathroom. Only a small refrigerator had been squashed under the desk, containing a few sandwiches, bottles of water and a few blood bags for Doyle.

"This place sucks," Chuck, who was Doyle's linguistics and could speak almost every language that ever existed, said. He had thrown himself onto the closest bed and was currently inspecting the numerous dust bunnies under his pillow.

Summer, who was too much of a hippy for her own good, inspected the fridge with distaste. "Pity we couldn't have gone to Venezuela earlier. I would have liked seeing Rani again," she said, sounding like her voice wasn't quite attached to her body.

Doyle turned to look at her. "Rani?" he repeated dumbly.

Chuck shot Summer an evil glare. To Doyle he said, "Nothing, boss. Summer's not use to tight spaces. It's affecting the little brain she has left."

"Rani is in Venezuela?" Doyle asked. "How do you know this?"

Summer gave him an aloof look. "I'm surprised Bellamont didn't tell you. Serge told us while you were talking with her."

"And we weren't suppose to exchange that information," Chuck snapped.

"Well, I didn't know Bellamont didn't share that information with him," Summer said. "Besides, she is his ex-wife. It's in his right."

Chuck looked at Doyle, who was flexing his fists and looking positively livid.

"Gather everything and hitch the first portkey to Puerto Ayacucho?" Chuck offered.

"Precisely," Doyle said. "Bellamont made this a big deal by not telling me Rani was there. I want to know why."

Bill's team had worked efficiently the next morning after their arrival. They wanted to waste no time in Vetula, so they quickly set out to work. Eddy was the first in preparing things. A variety of technological equipment had been set out before him, and he was carefully tinkering with each one.

In five minutes, however, he was prepared and held out to Bill a small black device that closely resembled one of Berttie Botts's Every Flavoured Beans.

"What is it?" Bill asked.

"Just fit it in your ear," Eddy explained. "That way I can speak onto my little microphone here and you'll hear me. Also it's attached to its own microphone – a pretty good one – so I can hear you speak as well as any other sound nearby. Both you and Rani will be carrying one."

Bill did as he was told and was once again amazed at the Muggle invention.

Eddy was handing Rani two contact lenses which she proceeded to put in her eyes. Bill noticed their colour had darkened a bit and asked Eddy what that was for.

"What she'll see is what I'll see," Eddy said, "so don't do anything forbidden in there, ok?"

Rani punched him lightly. "Anything else?" she asked.

"Not that I have on hold," Eddy said. "It's really up to your own skills."

Bill closed his knapsack and swung it on top of his shoulder. "We've packed water, torches, first aid kit, food, rope, compass… anything else we're missing?"

Rani raised her gun. "I know it's dangerous, but just in case. We also have our wands."

"And you'll be taking Zorro," José added. "He'll help you if you get lost in there."

Bill nodded and Zorro licked his ankles. "Ok, we're all set then." He turned around towards the direction of the tomb. "Ready, Rani?"

"I'm ready," Rani said, a smile on her face. "Let's go save the world from future elimination."

The walk to the tomb was long and the jungle was filled with humidity. Bill and Rani trudged forward. They listened to every sound, almost expecting some big troll to jump out at them. Zorro followed, not leaving Bill's side for long times, but still running a bit ahead and the running back as if to tell them the path was clear.

There wasn't the slightest breeze and Bill's shirt was drenched in sweat and his ponytail clamped to the back of his neck. Despite the fact that he was wearing sunglasses, he took them off because the trees loomed high enough to make their path darker than usual.

Rani's breath was shallow and while she showed visible signs of being tired she didn't complain and moved on in a steady pace. Every so often she'd stop to stare at a space among the trees then hurry on.

They reached Vetula in thirty minutes and Bill allowed himself a bit of rest. The tomb was indeed quite large and seemed to run on for a couple of kilometres. It was high enough to go on above the trees, but it didn't look to go much higher.

"Wow, it's a beauty," Eddy said, and Bill looked around him before remembering about the thing in his ear.

"Let's look for the main entrance first," Rani said. "From there we can calculate how far off the hidden entrance would be."

"Go left," Eddy instructed through the earpiece. "According to the data, it's due west. It shouldn't be too far off. Quite visible, really. Watch out for any traps, though. Someone fell through a pit once."

Rani and Bill moved carefully, both quite trained at spotting anything that could lead to their doom. They didn't walk together, but instead several feet apart. Bill moved forward and Rani trailed behind.

"I think I found it," Bill said, touching one of the walls. "It's different than the rest of the building." He looked at it carefully than yelled, "Eddy?"

"Don't shout!" Eddy grumbled. "I told you I can hear you even if you whispered. That looks like the door. One of the bricks in the wall should be removable. Let's see here… Tenth brick top from the ground, then third to the right. Tap it three times."

Bill did as asked. The brick on top of the third to the right seemed to rumble and then it popped out, almost hitting Rani in the stomach. Inside the vacant hole was a tiny gold knob.

"Pull?" offered Rani.

Bill pulled and the earth beneath him promptly gave away.

"Bill!" Rani yelled, rushing to the edge of the pit and looking down. It was pitch dark and only a small glow of light came from Bill's wand.

"Nothing's broken," he yelled back, sounding upset. "But I don't think I'll be climbing up any time soon."

"Eddy, _what_ happened?" Rani demanded, quickly unbuckling her bag and pulling out the rope. Who knew they'd have to use it so early?

Eddy's voice echoed throughout both the pit and Rani's ear. "Sorry, it was the fifth brick to the left. I read the activation to the welcoming trap instead."

"Brilliant," muttered Bill. There was a pause as Rani slid the rope down and then Bill exclaimed, "Hold on! I think I've found the second entrance. There's some sort of door here."

"What, right beneath the first one?" Rani said incredibly. "It's a _trap_, not a lift to the ground floor, Weasley."

There was no answer and then, "Yeah, I think you're right," Bill said. "I just ran into a bit of a problem."

"What's that?" Rani asked.

"A lot of scorpions."


	7. A Spoonful of Sugar

**Dedications:** to Ron, for who the fic is for, and for Caillean, for who the chapter is for. Say that three times fast.

**Notes:** For those of you without Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: (courtesy of the HP Lexicon)  
  
Chimaera- Greek: lion's head, goat's body, dragon's tail. Vicious and bloodthirsty. Chimaera eggs are classified as Class A Non-Tradable Goods. Dai Lleweleyn, the famous Quidditch player, was killed by a Chimaera while on holiday in Greece.

**Thanks:** to Candy, who has a muse that wants me dead.

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Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

_Titus Maccius Plautus__, Rudens_

A Spoonful of Sugar

_"A lot of scorpions."___

Rani believed that the ability that made a good raider was the ability to evaluate a current problem. Being able to patiently find out your current predicament and then figure out how to get out of it was something she valued since she had entered her first tomb. Of course, there were times when patience had to be pushed out of the way and quick thinking was needed.

This was one of those times.

Bill's frantic "_Petrificus Totalus_!" could be heard. Rani didn't know how many scorpions he was dealing with or if they kept crawling out of whatever door he had opened.

"Can you see the rope?" she yelled. If she threw anymore down she wouldn't have anything to haul him up with.

There was no response besides the hexing and then Rani felt the rope being tugged. "Pull me up!" Bill cried.

Easier said than done. Bill's weight was slowly pulling Rani towards the edge of the pit and her heels were digging the ground for something to stop her falling in.

"You are going to go on a diet!" snapped Rani, holding onto dear life as Bill slowly pulled himself up. "Do I look very strong to you?"

Bill finally managed to reach the top and he frantically scrambled the rest of the way. Throwing one loathing look at the pit, he said, "So, I believe that wasn't the second entrance."

Rani rolled her eyes. "Now what? Do you want to take the main entrance or keep searching?"

"Eddy," Bill said, feeling a bit silly talking to the air, "any luck?"

"I can't pull anything on your mysterious entrance," Eddy's voice said, sounding loud and clear. "Personally, I say go through the first door. I can walk you through the first few traps."

"This won't be like your bricks, will it?" Rani asked dryly.

Eddy's smug smile was perfectly assumable when he said, "Don't worry, babe, I'm a pro."

This time it was Rani who hit the right bricks and instead of a gold knob there was a hook that needed to be pulled. As told, the door rose up and allowed them free roam of the tomb.

The moment Bill put one foot inside, however, two swords at neck's length swished forward. He was only saved by his tomb raider instincts, which kicked in with a slide, tuck and roll, taking him out of harm's reach.

"I am," he muttered out loud for Eddy to hear, "really sick of almost getting killed."

"Sorry, bosom buddy," Eddy said, and the faint tapping of the keyboard could be heard. "That wasn't on my computer."

Rani looked surprised and entered carefully into tomb. The swishing swords did not appear the second time. "Well, keep it on the records then," she instructed. "Careful, Weasley."

Bill was staring at a statue carefully. He could feel the presence of magic, but he didn't want to test it yet. It was quite a beautiful statue of a warrior sitting down on a throne. His arms lay rested on his knees, but it was obvious he had been once holding onto something.

"Go back to the entrance," Bill said. "I want to test something. I think I know how to deactivate the trap."

Rani gave him a suspicious look. "If you kill me, I'll come back to haunt you," she threatened as she moved towards the entrance.

"I have no doubt you will," said Bill. "Okay, now let's see if this works."

Rani stepped out of the tomb, passing the magical barrier that had almost beheaded Bill. The statue's arms moved towards it, as if swinging something.

"Bingo!" Bill said, waving his wand at the statue. "_Finite Incantatum_. When you pass the barrier it triggers the statue to fling its swords at you. It probably takes a bit for the magical to bring back the weapons."

"Brilliant," muttered both Rani and Eddy.

"The people that were here before never tampered with any of the traps," Eddy explained as Rani and Bill headed down the long hallway. "Of course, it's not like they got very far, but still…"

Bill looked around his surroundings. The walls were indeed mostly grumbled and had given away to age. Every so often they'd come upon a broken vase or statuette, but unlike Gringotts, all this would later be picked up by researches and not Bill himself.

Rani had stopped by a left over necklace and was admiring it from afar. "There must be a good pocket's worth in here," she whispered. "Bellamont will be pleased."

"Do you work with a lot of tombs like this?" Bill asked in hopes of making conversation.

"I usually do tombs up north," Rani said. "Vetula is one of the greatest I've ever done, though. I wish I could take something with me."

Bill shrugged. "Do it. I won't say anything and I don't think Eddy will."

Rani raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"All righty, guys," Eddy said. "You're about to come across a corner. Go left but watch the floor pattern. It's made out of squares, red and yellow. Don't step on the yellow."

"Got it," Bill said as they turned the corner.

"Erm, Eddy?" Rani said, as she inspected the ground in front of them. "These squares are about one centimetre!"

"Yeah," Eddy said, sounding grim, "I suppose that's why none of our men have been able to pass it before."

The task before them was definitely not an easy one. The squares went on for quite a bit and they were indeed about the size of a centimetre. There seemed to be no possible way for either Rani or Bill to get across without activating the trap.

"So, we'll have to deactivate it first," Rani said. "Bugger, you'd think they could have laid one trap by floor, not by every ten feet."

"Paranoid idiots that are buried in tombs," Bill said grouchily. "Always."

Rani was looking around the place, obviously trying to get Eddy to focus his technology on the surroundings.

"Eddy, do we know what we'll activate if we hit the yellow squares?" Bill asked. If they did maybe it'd be like figuring out about the soldier.

"Well, the files aren't specific – _like anything else this fuckin' idiots left behind_ – but it should be something big. With teeth, more like it." Eddy went quiet for a bit, and then, "Yeah, big and ugly. The bodies were definitely mauled. Yuck, that can't be pretty."

"Do you want to risk it?" Rani asked, a gleam in her eye. "If it comes we could always run."

Bill looked at the floor and across the hall. There seemed to visible way of passing this. And, well, while running didn't seem quite inviting, he had been through worse.

Bill took out his wand and so did Rani. The decision seemed unanimous. Carefully, almost as if afraid he's certainly light up on fire, Bill touched the nearest yellow square.

Nothing happened.

"Well," Rani said, letting go of the breath she had been holding. "Shall we then?"

Bill grinned. "Lets."

And then something let out a ferocious roar behind them.

"RUN! RUN!" shrieked Eddy on their earpieces. "For God's sake, don't stop and think, RUN!"

Neither had to be told twice. Bill took one quick look behind him, saw it was a very angry Chimaera and took off like a bullet, Rani close on his heels.

"It looks pretty hungry," Rani wailed. She pointed her wand at it, "_Petrificus Totalus_!"

The Chimaera merely shook the spell off and kept chasing them.

"Well, I think he's certainly furious now," Bill said dryly. "There is a good side to this, however."

"And what would that be?" Rani asked as she cast _Incendio_ at the beast.

The Chimaera's mane set on fire and he let out an angry roar.

"We've made it beyond any other researcher," answered Bill. "Ok, let's try the Impediment Curse. On the count of three?"

"One," he said, as they halted and turned to face the raging Chimaera.

"Two," he added as the Chimaera got closer.

And on three they both pointed their wands at it and cried "_Impedimenta_!"

The Chimaera slowed down, but not by much.

"_Impedimenta_!" Rani cried again, but her efforts were not of much help.

"Door!" yelled Bill. "There's a door!" He flung another curse at the Chimaera. "Keep running!"

Rani was the first to reach the door and she wrenched it open. Both of them made it safely in before the beast flung itself at them.

"That was close," Bill muttered as he made sure to ward the door. "Eddy, how are we doing?"

"You're alive, ain't you?" Eddy said cheerfully. "Where are you now?"

Bill looked around. They seemed to be in a small chamber of sorts. The walls were painted in hieroglyphics he wasn't familiar with. The floor was made of stone like the rest of the tomb, but it was covered in white sand.

"It's too… empty," Rani said, and Bill wondered if it was to him or to Eddy or to herself.

Bill looked at the floor suspiciously as if expecting something to pop out at him. The sand had been shifted towards the door they had come through. Drag marks, perhaps?

"I think someone was here before us," he said, looking around.

"That's not possible," Rani said. "Bellamont has had hold in this place for ages. No one has been able to get beyond the Chimaera before us."

"I'm sending a sample of the hieroglyphics to Bellamont," Eddy said. "Rani, hold still."

"There's a small passage way here," Bill said, as he pulled open a small wooden door. "We can crawl to the other room."

The following room was not much larger than the one that had been before, but it there was a clear hole for them to pass on to the room after. However, the moment Rani had crawled in after Bill, he had grabbed her arm and squeezed, making her stay still.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Shh," Bill muttered, his eyes were scanning the room.

Rani looked at what he was scanning and noticed the room was clearly occupied by mummies.

"Running again, then?" Rani asked, a defying look in her eyes.

Bill smirked. Mummies were child's play in Egypt. They couldn't be anymore complicated in ruddy Venezuela, could they?

"You know," he said, twirling his wand with his fingers, "for people who shouldn't be using magic except in emergencies, we've been using it a lot, haven't we?"

"I think being close to death is an emergency enough," Rani said, raising her own wands at the closest mummy. "So, before they spot us, what will it be?"

"I'm sure they'd hate to have their wrappings on fire," Bill said as if discussing the best way to grow pumpkins. "Don't you think?"

"Oh, I agree," Rani said. "_Incendio_!"

The closest mummy lit up in fire and wailed, thrashing around.

Bill let out his own curse and they were quite successful in passing the room. However, what was on the other side was not what they had expected.

Despite being a researcher, Doyle was never quite good at directions. Sure, he could go from point A to point B, but finding his way from point A to point Z was near impossible without a proper map. He usually relied on Summer or Chuck's direction spells to do the trick, for while he was a vampire, a wizard he was not.

However, the trio currently found themselves in the seedier side of Caracas and with no idea of how to get to Puerto Ayacucho and Rani's side.

"I told you we shouldn't have used a stupid portkey," Chuck complained as he tried to bat a mosquito away with his hand. "I don't like the looks of this neighbourhood."

"It smells of burnt rubber," added Summer, who looked at the ground in distaste. "Do you think we'd be able to find a taxi?"

"We're probably more likely to find our death here," Chuck said. He noticed Doyle seemed to be staring off in the distance. "Hey, boss, what's up?"

"There's this smell," Doyle said, as if recalling a memory from when he was still alive. "It's blood, but it smells different."

"Animal, perhaps?" Summer said with a small smile.

"No, that's not it." Doyle tilted his head. The smell was rich blood, so familiar. Warm and still flowing in a human's body. His stomach rumbled and Chuck snorted.

"I'm quite sure someone would give us directions to a bus stop," Summer said, already ignoring her companions. "Do you think… _what is it_, Doyle?"

"Montanez," Doyle spit out. "Magical blood, that's what I smell. Wizards are here."

"Hasn't it occurred to you it might be any other wizard?" Chuck asked, his hand gripping in wand in precaution anyway. "I mean, it's not like Caracas doesn't have any fine magical people…"

"It's Montanez," Doyle assured.

"I'm going to go take a look, then," Chuck said haughtily. "If it's not Montanez and company, I'll ask for directions from the hopefully nice wizards." He gave Doyle a quick smirk and ran off.

"Boys will be boys," Summer muttered. She had her wand out and rested on her palm. "Well, if we were planning to walk to Puerto Ayacucho – which we aren't – we'd have to go directly south from here. Pity it isn't closer."

Doyle smiled at Summer's ramblings. She had a tendency to go on and on, not really caring if anyone was actually paying attention to her. Of course, when she noticed no one was, she'd just huff and refuse to talk again until the next time she had something to say.

"Come on," a voice said quite loudly, "I want something small and pretty to enjoy."

"They're all pretty here," another voice agreed evilly. "A nice mix of ladies, this country has."

Summer pulled out her wand, but Doyle grabbed her wrist. "Goons," he whispered and dragged her into a dark corner. She looked at him with curious eyes, her whole body tensed in preparation for a fight.

"High death rate here too," the first voice continued, and the body of it appeared in the light. He was a big wizard, with plenty of muscles and the expression of a rather stupid monkey. "I suppose they won't miss one more."

The second person, who was quite similar to the first, laughed. "Hey," he said, nudging his companion, "who's there in the alley?"

Doyle looked at Summer, who stared at him in confusion. "Scream," he whispered harshly.

"_What_?" she asked, trying to wrench her wrist and wand free of his grip.

Upset she was taking long to process his order, Doyle bit down on her shoulder.

Summer let out an effective shriek.

"Fuckin' vampires," one of the wizards said. "Getting all the good ones."

"Yeah, fuckin' vampires," agreed the second, and they left with a few more insults to Doyle's kind.

"Oh god, I'm bleeding," Summer whimpered, shoving Doyle back with all her might.

"I didn't bite hard," Doyle said in self-defence. "You wouldn't scream."

"I wouldn't _scream_? I. Wouldn't. _SCREAM_?" Summer hissed angrily. "Did you have a nice snack, you leech?"

Doyle licked his lips, picking up the few traces of her blood, and then noticed it was the wrong thing to do. "Er, sorry, Summer, _really_. But if they got too curious they'd attack. It's not like I took advantage."

Summer, who was usually quite calm and detached, placed a hand on her wound and shot Doyle a death glare. "Of all the rotten things you could have done… Oh, real good this will look. I'm going to stake you in your sleep."

"What on earth is going on?" It was Chuck. He looked at the duo with eyebrows raised and then spotted Summer touching the bite on her shoulder. "Doyle, what happened?"

"He _bit_ me," Summer spat with enough venom to scare a rattlesnake.

"Because it was necessary," Doyle said quickly, and he briefly explained their situation.

Chuck nodded, seeming to understand. "You were right," he said, after he inspected Summer's wound and declared she wouldn't die, "it was Montanez. It was a pretty easy to sneak nearby. I even got this." Chuck lifted up a bicycle chain.

It was their portkey to Puerto Ayacucho.


	8. Riddle Me This

All that is gold does not glitter.

-- J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

**_Riddle Me This_**

The room that Bill and Rani found themselves was not a room one would normally see. For, as far as Bill's eye could tell, the room was entirely made of gold. The walls, the floor and even the ceiling were coated with a fine sheet of gold. There was a table and matching chairs all in gold. Pottery and various pieces of jewellery, all in gold, were scattered around. It was a remarkable site, though a bit painful for the eye.

"Wha--?" said Rani.

"Wha--?" echoed Eddy through the earpiece.

"We're bloody rich," informed Bill with a grin that resembled the one Fred or George would get when they came up with an idea for their shop.

"We're poor men being tortured by looking at something that could make us rich and yet will not, because our boss gets all this," Eddy said.

Bill was not unfamiliar with the term "boss." He knew what it meant. Boss meant making sure you got paid good money, but not good enough as what you could have lived off on your findings.

"Sometimes it just makes you want to be a grave thief," Rani said, touching a chair. "It looks so real."

Bill looked at the room again. Everything was so smooth, not a single dent or crease. And, now that he thought of it, not a door either…

"I wonder where all this gold came from," Rani was saying as she moved around the room.

"Oh, hello," a voice said.

Rani and Bill both froze.

"Did you say something, Eddy?" Rani asked.

"No, wasn't me, babe," Eddy said.

"Hello," the same voice repeated.

"Uh, hello?" Bill said, wand held tightly and looking around for the source.

"Hello," the voice chirped.

There was a pause. Bill looked around again. The pause continued.

"Er, do you think," the voice said again, "that is, if you would be very kind, to ask your female friend to get her hands off me."

Rani was holding a gold vase. She promptly let go of it and it crashed to the floor.

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but thank you," the vase said.

Bill blinked. Rani blinked. Eddy and José, far away from the current events, blinked.

"Sorry?" offered Rani after a second or two of silence.

"Oh, it's quite all right," the vase assured her, hopping onto a chair and then onto the table. "It has happened in the last few centuries. Hello, I'm Pat."

"Pat?" Bill said.

"_Pat_?" Rani echoed.

They were getting too repetitive.

"Pat. Nice to meet you," the vase said, its voice still chirpy. "And the nice lady who groped me is?"

"Rani Zahra," answered Rani, still in a bit of a trance.

"And I'm Bill," Bill said quickly. "I'm sorry, we've never come upon a talking vase. Biting cups, yes, but not a talking vase."

The vase hopped a bit as if it were laughing. "Don't be silly," it finally said. "I wasn't always a talking vase. No, no, before I was quite as human as you currently are."

"Fascinating," Rani said, peering closely at Pat. "Were you cursed?"

"Something like that," Pat said. "It involved more alcohol and the wrong information than a curse, I suppose."

"How long have you been like this?" Bill asked.

"Oh, for ages, really. No one's really cared enough to get me out of this position," Pat grumbled. "You give them helpful hints and they just scurry off. I hope something ate them on the way."

"Is there anything we could do?" Rani said.

"It's a just a simple Finite Incantatum spell," Pat said, sounding quite happy. "If you would, I'd be really grateful."

Bill shrugged.

Rani pulled out her wand and pointed it at the vase. "_Finite Incantatum_," she said.

The vase turned into a puff of green smoke and disappeared.

Then, next to Bill, appeared a short man. He was wrinkly with grey hair and two rather large eyes. 

"It's worked! It worked!" Pat said, doing some sort of celebratory dance.

Bill smiled, looked around and then stopped smiling. "Hey, hold on. Where's Rani?"

A smaller vase than the one Pat had been hopped up and down on the table.

"Oh, bugger," Bill muttered. "Rani?"

"Oh," said Pat, looking quite smug, "I forgot to mention there's a catch."

Doyle and company arrived to Puerto Ayacucho exactly when he sun was at its worse. Not an Indian was in sight and all their stalls had been put away until three.

"So," said Chuck in a voice that indicated sarcasm, "are we going to swim to Rani, because I don't see a boat."

Summer was looking at the river that rushed down in strong currents. She had not spoken to Doyle since their little argument back in Caracas. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a bun and she was standing away from him and Chuck.

"The sun is killing me," Doyle commented. And, while he certainly hadn't burst into flames yet, he was currently fighting the gods and goddesses of headaches.

"Not smart, boss," Chuck said, "coming to this wretched country. Rani or no Rani, it's certainly no gem."

"You really need to start appreciating countries that don't have the name United States of America, Chuck," Doyle said with a chuckle.

"I do appreciate other countries," Chuck said. "They're called Aruba, Curaçao and the Bahamas. My three beautiful women."

"Chuck, Doyle!" Summer yelled. "Come here!"

Doyle and Chuck rushed over. Summer was kneeling behind some pushes and she motioned for them to be quiet as they came closer.

"Look," she whispered, pointing towards a nearby clearing.

"Montanez," hissed Doyle, immediately recognizing the person. "I thought we stole their portkey."

"They might have kept a spare," Chuck said. "This is not good. I wonder where they got that boat."

"Probably shrunk it and brought it along with them," Summer said, her eyes trying to put everything she saw into memory.

"So, what do we do now?" Doyle asked. "We've got no boat and I don't think Montanez would like a bunch of hitchhikers."

"I think we're going to have walk," Chuck said grimly. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse."

Doyle smiled. "Not a problem for me, but let's just keep in the shade."

The trio set down, making sure to be hidden among the trees. If they followed Montanez's path, they'd be sure to find Rani sooner or later.

"You know," Chuck said to Summer as they trudged along. "If I had an ex-wife, I'd try to be on a whole other continent, not on her heels."

Rani was not a happy person, er, make that a vase. She hopped and hopped around the table and Bill just stared stupidly at her. She couldn't even talk!

"A catch?"  Bill finally roared, pointing his wand at Pat. "What in bloody hell did you do to her?"

"In order to make me human again, you need to trade my form with someone else's," Pat explained, not looking at all upset or sorry over Rani's current state.

"Well, looks like your time as a human-being is up," Bill said.

"Ah, but it's not that easy, is it?" Pat said, grinning and hopping from one foot to another. "See, when she turned me back, she got turned into the vase. So when you turn her back…"

Bill knew were this was going and growled. "You turn her back then," he said.

Pat gave him a wide smile. It was enough to make a grown man cringe. "I think not," he said.

"What?" Bill demanded. Rani hopped furiously on the table.

"See, I rather like being human," Pat said. "And, well, not a vase, you see? And can you really trust me with a wand?"

Rani stopped hopping. She still couldn't talk.

"Giving this loon a wand wouldn't be wise," Eddy said through the earpiece. "I don't trust him, Billy boy."

Bill sat on one of the golden chairs, wand still pointing at Pat. Rani did not hop anymore, but instead seemed to be very focused on Bill.

"Look here, Pat," Bill said, in the voice he used on his younger siblings when they were caught stealing his secret stash of Chocolate Frogs, "I don't care if you get a hundred flying monkeys to bring you a spell that will turn Rani back. But you will do it, or I will petrify you and leave you to the Chimaera."

"Chimaera?" echoed Pat. "Oh, no, no, that would be most unfortunate. Yes, it would. Let's see. I'm quite sure I could think of _something_ to liberate your friend and make this a win-win situation."

"Good," Bill said. "Excellent thinking."

Pat certainly took his time to come up with an idea. He awed and hrmed and walked in circles around the room. He waved his hand in fancy movements and murmured spells under his breath. He eyed Bill warily and continued pacing.

"You're taking a bit too long," Bill said finally. "And you're wasting my time." He was twirling his wand menacingly and a bit of hope lighted up inside of Rani.

Pat rubbed his hands nervously. "Maybe if I took a walk out in the fresh air…"

Bill got up, looming dangerously over the older man. "Let me tell you how it's going to be," he said. "I'm going to count to three. If you don't offer any ideas, I'm going to show you one of my own."

Pat shot Rani a nervous look.

"One," counted Bill.

Pat tried to make for the door, but Bill stepped in his way.

"Two," Bill continued.

Pat sighed and just slumped to the floor.

"Three," Bill said with a grin. Pointing his wand to Rani, he said, "_Compono_!"

This time there was no fancy puffs of smoke. But slowly, very slowly, as if Rani were some sort of vase animagus, her form started to appear. On the other hand, Pat was slowly transforming into a vase again.

"Ah, the undoing spell," Rani said appreciatively once she was completely human.

"You know," Bill said, as they ignored Pat's pleas of help (why he could talk and not Rani was beyond them), "if this was a fairytale you'd give me a kiss and call me your prince charming."

"Pity this is more a nightmare than a fairytale then," Rani said grinning. "So, how do we get out of here? I don't fancy another race with the Chimaera."

Bill looked around, hoping a door had suddenly appeared. It had not.

Rani edged dangerously towards Pat. "Ok, you pathetic excuse for inanimate object. How do we move on to the next room?" she demanded, looking like a harpy from hell.

Pat hmphed and hopped away. Bill stood on the other side of the table.

"Really, mate," he said. "You should just tell us."

Rani pointed her wand at him. "I know this nifty spell that melts gold," she said. "Interested?"

"You two are big bullies," Pat snapped. "Fine! See where those two small statues are? Walk towards the space between them. You'll go right through the wall."

"Thank you," Rani chirped. "Let's go, Weasley."

"Hold on," Bill said, grabbing a hold of Pat who started to squirm. "We owe him something, don't we?" And he placed Pat carefully into his satchel.

"This is kidnapping!" Pat threatened. "Kidnapping, and I'm claiming your pretty friend sexually harassed me!"

"Oh, shut up," Bill and Rani snapped as they walked through the wall.

The following room smelled like the jungle had. This could possibly be because the room resembled a jungle. A small stream ran throughout the length of the room and trees crowded the place, reaching until the ceiling.

"Whoever built this should have won an award," Bill muttered to himself.

"Here we go," Rani said, looking at some markings on a tree. "I believe it's map or a code maybe. Eddy, what have you got for us?"

"Give me a sec, babe," Eddy said. "I'll see if I get a translation."

Back at the camp site, Eddy hurriedly typed letters and numbers into his computer. A database of known hieroglyphics scrolled down his screen, but no matches were found. He tried seeing if the hieroglyphics were a mix of various cultures. He even tried Google. Nothing came up.

"Try Chuck Port," Rani finally said when she received the news.

Eddy pulled Chuck's laptop number from Bellamont's database. He typed in the code and secret password ("What's a hotdog without the dog?") into the appropriate fields and waited for Chuck to answer him.

Far away from them, still trudging down the Amazon river, Chuck's laptop started to beep and Summer and Doyle looked at him questioning.

"Probably Bellamont," Chuck said, pulling his laptop out of his bag. Opening and clicking the "respond to call" button, he was not greeted with Bellamont but with Eddy Smith instead.

"Hi, Eddy," Chuck greeted nervously. Had Rani gotten wind they were here?

"Hey, Chucky boy," Eddy said happily. "Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering if you could check some hieroglyphics for me?"

Chuck looked over at his computer at Doyle who nodded. "Sure, Eddy," Chuck said. "Let me open a connection so you can load it for me."

The opening of the connection took ten second and the loading took an additional twelve. Soon enough the pictures were on Chuck's screen and he looked at them carefully.

"Looks a bit like Ancient New Granadian to me," Chuck said. "Hold on, I should have something to help me." He ran another program on his computer. "Yeah, here it is. Shall I send you the translation or do you just want to hear it?"

"I'll just hear it," answered Eddy.

"Ok, there are trees. Each one with an opening and a lever. Pull the right lever and you get access to the next room. Interesting," Chuck explained. "Ok, there's something else here. Not the sea, not the sun, not the night sky, but do have fun!" Doyle raised an eyebrow. "Looks like a riddle to me," Chuck offered.

"Thanks, Chucky!" Eddy said. "Bye!"

And the connection went off.

"Not the sea, not the sun?" repeated Rani.

"Not the night sky, but do have fun?" said Bill, looking confused. "So, the first thing we should do is probably find the levers. Maybe we'll understand this thing better."

The levers were not hard to find. Four out of ten trees carried them inside their trunks and they were all a different colour: blue, black, yellow and green.

"Oh, it's really not that complicated," Rani said, after she had stared at the black lever for a while. "Not the sea, not the sun, not the night sky, but do have fun."

"Is that supposed to make things clearer?" Bill asked. "Because it didn't."

"The colours of the levers!" Rani said excitedly. "Not the sea, that would be the blue lever. Not the sun, that's the yellow. Not the night sky, that would be black."

"But do have fun… so the only colour left would be green," Bill added. "That's the one we pull."

They stared at the green lever as if daring it to cause them any problems. It didn't look exactly threatening, and just like the Chimaera's squares, they could not detect where its magic was focused.

Carefully, Bill pulled the lever, and, unlike recent events, something did happen immediately this time.

Everything became pitch dark and the floor gave away beneath them.


	9. A World of Trouble

**Dedications:** Um, that thing that comes in a cup. Keeps you up when you're ready to go to sleep. Nice and warm and rich in flavour.

**Notes:** Inspired from Catch Me If You Can. Fabulous film even if Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he's twelve.

**Thanks:** to Candy, mah betah. And Scott, whose odd personality fits Bill's so well.

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A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

**H. L. Mencken**** (1880 - 1956)**

**_A World of Trouble_**

_It was night and there was a full moon that shone ever so beautifully against the pavement in front of the Port's home. The dog had been barking for some time now, but no one paid it any attention._

_Chuck Port, the youngest member of the household at only thirteen, ran through the house. "Summer!" he yelled desperately. "Dad!"_

_The nearest door opened as a man in his early forties looked at Chuck. "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice showing annoyance._

_"It's my mum!" Chuck said. "She's on the porch. She's not moving. There's – there's blood."_

_Mr. Port took his wand out of his pocket and hurried down the stairs. Rumours of wizards who were starting to attack throughout America had been on the news, and he couldn't help but hope that his wife was all right._

_"Dad, what's going on?" Summer asked. She had been in the other room, doing homework for her last year at St. Angel's School for Witches. Her father did not answer her and she hurried to follow him._

_Mrs. Port was lying on the porch, her eyes opened in horror, a pool of blood streaming down her neck. Two punctures gleamed from her pale skin._

_"Mum!" Summer cried, hurrying to her mother's side, tears already running down her face._

_Mr. Port looked in horror at the picture before him. She was already dead, he could feel it. "Don't look, Chuck," he said, noticing his son was standing beside him. "I – I need to get Uncle Thomas to notify the authorities."_

_"Is she dead?" Chuck asked._

_No one answered him._

Chuck hurried down the bank of the river. "We've lost Montanez," he announced. "Their boat is too fast to follow on foot."

Doyle peered at the young boy through his sunglasses. "Damn," he said, taking a sip of some blood.

"Maybe you could go see if you can spot them," Chuck said, sitting down and accepting a bottle of water from Summer.

Doyle raised an eyebrow. "You really should stop believing that myth that a vampire's senses are greatly enhanced. My smell is perfect, my vision is better than yours, but I'm no eagle."

Chuck grinned. "Sorry, boss, although an eagle's vision would come in handy, don't you think?"

"Maybe we should contact Eddy," Summer said. "Admit that we're here so he can tell us where to find him."

"Don't believe in the element of surprise, Summer?" Doyle asked.

"The element of surprise doesn't work if one is lost," Summer said coolly.

"I feel like I should add," Chuck said, taking a bite of a tuna sandwich, "that the river is possibly filled with piranhas."

"Did you read that in the brochure?" Doyle asked.

"No, there was a sign: 'Don't swim. Piranhas,'" Chuck said.

Doyle looked around at their surroundings. The sun had settled a bit and his headaches had lessened, but he couldn't help feeling that he was missing something important.

Summer stood up, dusting off her trousers. "I think," she said, with an air of the dead, "that we should follow the map."

"Map?" asked Chuck.

"What map?" demanded Doyle.

Summer gave them an odd look. "The map Bellamont gave us," she said this all slowly as if she were talking to a pair of infants.

Chuck looked at Doyle. "There was a map?" he asked.

Doyle grinned sheepishly. "There might have been," he admitted. "I didn't exactly look through everything she gave us."

Summer picked up her bag and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "The map," she presented.

Doyle took it from her and unfolded it carefully. A small black arrow speeded around the paper until it reached a point. "You are here," read across the paper in big red letters, and then the arrow sped around again until the word "Destination" was marked a few kilometres away from their current location.

"Brilliant," Chuck muttered, picking up his things. "There was always a map."

"We better get a move on it," Doyle said. "Montanez has a good head's up on us."

_"Ms. Port?" the burly Auror asked with a pleasant smile and the tip of his hat._

_"Yes, is something wrong?" Summer asked. She looked at them suspiciously. "Is this about my mother's death? That was years ago."_

_"No, madam," the Auror said. "Do you know a Charles Peters?"_

_Summer looked even more confused. "No, I'm sorry to say I don't. I heard Mr. Johnson was robbed last week. Was that the thief?"_

_The Auror seemed unsure if the girl was lying to him or not. He brought out a photograph. "Charles Peters is an international con-artist, madam. He's made millions – both Muggle and wizard wise – through conning palaeontologists. He's passing around as a prophecy-translator."_

_Summer's face twisted in a look of pure horror. She turned around and yelled inside the house, "Dad, it's about Chuck!"_

Summer walked along the bank of the river, wondering if she could ever come back for a holiday. She had heard that was a retreat somewhere that was quite nice. Maybe she could persuade Chuck to accompany her.

"Why do you think they sent Rani to the tomb?" Chuck asked. He and Doyle was mock sword fighting with two sticks.

"Possibly some old map to El Dorado there," Doyle said, shrugging. "No one ever believes that the Fountain of Youth was the name of a vampire clan."

"The Vetula Tomb is well-known for hosting the Sphere of Mentality," chirped Summer. "At least, I assume that would be why Bellamont is sending someone from the outside to work with Rani."

"Outside?" repeated Doyle as Chuck stabbed him in the rib. "Someone from the outside?"

Summer sighed. "You do know that the information Bellamont gives us is to be read, right? This wizard from the Gringotts's sector in Egypt is accompanying Rani. Actually, he has full power over the mission," she explained.

Doyle fended off a blow from Chuck with his stick. "Why couldn't I be sent off with Rani?" he asked.

"Because you're a researcher," Chuck said, trying to aim for Doyle's rib again. "Everyone knows that the only way researchers and raiders go on an expedition together is when the tomb is about to self-destruct."

"I'd make a fine raider," Doyle whined, managing to hit Chuck on the head. "I'm an Immortal, ain't I?"

Summer and Chuck scoffed.

A cloud of dust settled on Bill and he coughed and sneezed for a bit. Everything was depressingly black making him wish he were in his bed and he could just turn over and go back to sleep.

"_Lumos_!" he whispered, using his wand to take a look around. Stone walls, stone floors, a creepy breeze. Nothing about to eat him. It could be much worse then.

"Hey, Rani," Bill said, nudging the unconscious form of his partner. "Wake up."

Rani yawned and looked at him in surprise. "What happened?" she asked, quickly scrambling to her feet.

"I don't know where we are," Bill admitted, looking around. The room seemed to go on and on forever.

"Underground," a voice chirped. It was Pat the vase.

"What?" Bill asked.

"We're underground," Pat said. "The last floor of the tomb."

Bill and Rani seemed to digest this information for a long time. Neither said a word and a slight patter of dropping water seemed to echo throughout the place. Bill played with his earring, and looked at Rani, as if expecting an explanation.

"Do you mean," Rani said, once the information had been fully processed by her brain, "that we are on the last floor?"

If Pat could, he would have rolled his eyes. "Yes, I do believe I said that," he answered from Bill's bag.

"The last floor of the tomb," Bill said, with an enormous grin. "This is where the Sphere is!"

"Where we _think_ it is," Rani said rapidly. "_Think_!"

"It's here," assured Bill, pulling out his wand and using it to light his way. "I'm positive. Come on, there has to be an exit somewhere."

They both walked carefully through the room. The only sound was the annoying drops of water, and it made Rani a bit paranoid to think that the place might cave in at any minute.

"Do you see that?" Bill asked. It had been quite some time since they had started walking in search for a destination. Bill had hit himself three times with loose bricks, and he didn't feel too bright about things.

Rani stopped walking. There was an unmistakable glow that seemed to flitter off the walls. It was too far off to be assured what it was, but it did rise a bit of hopes in them.

"I once did a job in Giza," Bill said, trying to make conversation, "and it was a pretty easy tomb, really. Three chambers, all with curses a twelve-year-old could fix. But when I reached the graves, bugger, it was a whole different thing. Portkeys, everywhere." Bill made this wild motion with his hands. "I was transported to Luxor, Boston, Haskovo and finally Paris."

"How'd you get to all those places?" Rani asked.

"Timed portkey. One hour each," Bill explained. "I didn't find out the first two times. I wasn't too upset in Luxor, because I could easily get back to Cairo, but I was half way to Gringotts when I suddenly appeared back in the tomb. I figured I'd probably just grab something else, and – boom! – I'm sitting next to some Yanks in a dark coffee shop."

Rani laughed. "I think the worst experience I've ever had was in Casibari with this team. We had specific orders to raid a tomb that had just been found by a Muggle. Well, when we go to the given location there was nothing there!"

"I read about that," Bill said excitedly. "The Oasis of Luthis, wasn't it? Sounded fabulous."

"I thought someone had fooled us, or I hadn't listened to Bellamont correctly," Rani continued. So we were about to leave when someone from my team – she's a Halfblood, you see – asked as why we weren't entering the tomb."

Bill nodded. "Yeah, only those with non-magical blood can see it from the outside. I heard the Hungarian section of Gringotts had been after it for a while. But they're all Purebloods, so they never did find it."

"Exactly," Rani said. They were getting closer to the gleam of light. "Well, she was the only one with the correct blood there, so we all thought she was delusional. But luckily someone else had the idea to see what precisely was going on. Tombs don't just disappear after all."

"That tomb brought a lot of money, didn't it?" said Bill, but Rani didn't answer for they had clearly made it to their destination.

A stone arc had just appeared before them. The gleaming light they had seen far away turned out to be a dozen or so chandeliers that had been magically charmed to stay lit during all these centuries.

But what really took Bill's breath away was the numbers of coffins laid up before them.

"It'll be like looking for a needle in a hay stack," Rani said glumly.

Bill moved almost gracefully around the crowded room. Nothing seemed out of place or different than the various other black, perfectly normal coffins scattered around. Nothing seemed to say, "Hey! The Sphere is right here, you dope."

"Ask the vase if he knows where the Sphere is," suggested Rani, as she blew the dust off one particularly old coffin.

Bill pulled out Pat of his bag, and asked him the million galleon question.

"No idea," chirped Pat. "But I'd watch out for the rattlesnakes."

"There are snakes?" Rani asked, looking around. She didn't see any…

"Well, of course not," Pat said. He squirmed out of Bill's grip and hopped onto one of the marked graves. "Open a box, receive a bite, that's how it goes."

"Well, rattlesnakes are pretty tame compared to what we've been through," Bill said with a scary smile.

"No, no, _no_," snapped Pat as he hopped off the coffin. "Rattlesnakes are the tamest things you'll find in _this_ room."

"Ah,"  Rani said softly, eyeing the coffins with great distaste. "So, what do we do now, Weasley?"

"Eenie, meenie, minie, mo?" Bill offered with a slight sigh. "Did they have to burry the whole bloody family here?"

"Actually, whole family and their closest friends," Eddy said somewhat pleasantly over the earpiece.

"Perfect," said Rani, sarcastically. "I think I'll open this off." She kicked off the lid of the closest coffin.

Something too fast for Bill to easily see popped out. It was then that he noticed it was a small swarm of black pixies. They snickered at Rani and flew around.

"That's the best thing they've got?" Bill asked with a snort. "_Pixies_?"

One of the pixies gave a loud cackle and swished past another coffin. It tumbled over and the lid slipped off.

This time it wasn't pixies. This time it was a rather large snake.

"Oh, shit," Rani muttered. "Freeze the pixies!"

Bill and Rani hurried about the room, paralyzing the pixies and trying desperately to avoid the snake. It was giving them a rather hungry look and slowly slithered towards them.

"Do something!" Bill snapped, as he tumbled over a coffin. Luckily, the lid didn't come off.

"_Parvus_!" hissed Rani. The snake disappeared from sight.

"Where'd it go?" Bill asked.

"It didn't go anywhere," Rani answered, wiping the sweat from the brow. "I just shrank it. Alternative spell to the common shrinking one."

Bill nodded with a satisfied look. "Now what?" he said, careful not to bump into anymore accidents. "It'll take us forever if we have to go through all these."

"Good thing we arrived then," said a deep voice.

Standing by the archway were two rather large, rather muscular men. They both had rather nasty grins on their face and were pointing two shiny guns at Rani and Bill.

"Oh, fuck," muttered Bill, before raising his arms above his head.

_"Could you please state your name," the interrogator said. He was a rather chubby man in his late forties with a mousy moustache and oily hair. _

_"You know my name," the young man said. "It's all over the papers by now."_

_"You affirm to go by the name Charles Peters then?" the interrogator said, twirling his moustache impatiently._

_"It is my most popular name," Charles Peters said, taking a sip of water._

_"You also go by Charles James, Chuck Perry, Charles Perry and Charlie Sheen," the interrogator pointed out. _

_Charles Peters, if that was his real name, gave a big smile and took another sip of water. "If you really want to know," he said, "my real name is Chuck Port."_

_"Chuck?" repeated the interrogator._

_"My mother wanted Charles, but my father told her it was too fancy. They decided on Chuck," the boy explained. _

_"Do you know that we've been in contact with your sister?" the interrogator asked._

_"I do," Chuck said. "I also know I'm not going to jail despite all the money I've stolen."_

_"Do you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How's that?"___

_"The nice old lady outside the room told me so." Chuck took another sip of water. "And I know you work for her."_

Doyle hurried around the boulder he had been hiding from and ran towards the small gathering of trees near the river's shore.

"Are they staying there?" Summer asked, referring to Montanez's group who had seemed to have made camp.

"Looks like," Doyle said. "But they sent two goons towards the tomb to start securing the area. I think we should meet them there."

Chuck absentmindedly tried to wipe the top of his boots on some of the nearby weeds. The boots didn't look shiny or new anymore.

"It'd be better than standing around here," he agreed. "If Montanez comes just upon the hill, we'll be spotted."

"Do we know where this tomb is?" Summer asked. "The map isn't very specific."

"I know the general direction to go," Doyle said. He gave a toothy smile. "And I can easily pick it up from there."

"A beer says you can't find it just on your sense of smell," Chuck said, who loved to test Doyle's vampire abilities.

"You're on," Doyle said. "And to prove my worth, I'll bet you lunch as well if I can find Rani."

Chuck, quite sure of himself, shook on it.

Summer untied her hair, decided the heat was too much, and retied it. She wondered if Rani knew how complicated things were going to get.


	10. Kill Bill

**Dedications:** Sugar and spice and everything nice that is what good reviewers are made out of.

**Notes:** the line Doyle says "If you don't stop for Death, it will kindly stop for you." belongs to Emily Dickinson, and the writer has no claim over it except pure love.

**Thanks:** I'm going to be a tiny bit more original and say Tweedledee and Tweedledum, because without them this fic would not have moved on.

.

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_And the sun goes down_

_And moonlight's shining through_

_Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven_

_I'll come crawling on back to you_

-- Meatloaf, "Bat Out Of Hell"

**_Kill Bill_**

****

"Now," one of the two men said, eyeing Bill carefully, "give me your wand, and be a good little boy, or it'll be the end of you."

Bill handed over his wand, careful not to get the ape in front of him angry. He was quite sure that there was a way out of this, he just had to look for it. Also, Rani was a smart woman she could –

"Ow!" yelled the other man, who had been attempting to remove Rani of her wand and gun.

"Touch me again, and I'll kindly wipe off that grin of yours with the sole of my boot," Rani threatened.

"Why you little," the man continued mumbling, rubbing his knee painfully.

"Shut it and tie them up!" the first man ordered, throwing a length of rope at his partner. "Nice and tight, and they'll be no problem."

For some reason Eddy had offered little words of assurance, and Pat had remained quiet within Bill's bag. The scenery around them still looked worthless with the numerous coffins and desperate dripping of water somewhere.

While the second man had looked hopeless at dealing with women, he seemed to be quite good at tying them up. There was little that Bill could do as his wrists were tied behind his back as well as tied to Rani's own bonds.

"This brings back memories," Bill said, in hopes of lightening the mood. "Except I wasn't in a tomb, and the only threat I felt was because the woman's heel was frighteningly near by groin."

Rani rolled her eyes, although Bill was quite sure he could hear Eddy chuckle in his earpiece.

"How about we make a deal?" Bill called out, as the two men eyed the coffins with care. "You let me out, and you can keep the girl."

"Hey!" objected Rani. "How about they let _me_ out, and we can feed you to the piranhas?"

"Shut it," warned one of the men. "Let's hurry this up, and get the Sphere."

Bill decided that from now on he'd be known as Tweedledee.

"Montanez told us only to secure the area," the other one said slowly. "We're going against our orders."

The other would be, naturally, Tweedledum.

"But!" said Bill, brightly. "If you get the Sphere first, you'll be heroes among your clan of no-gooders."

Tweedledee and Tweedledum exchanged looks.

"Possible – and this is just an idea, mates – sell it off to the highest bidder. Become rich and merry and drunk in money," Bill continued. "I hear a good price comes from… er, hello?"

Tweedledee, who was obviously the brains of the small operation, had been staring hungrily at Rani's breasts.

Bill cleared his throat.

Nothing. Rani looked ready to hurt something. If she weren't tied up.

"I think your friend is a little distracted," Bill said to Tweedledum.

Tweedledum promptly punched his partner in the shoulder.

"As I was saying," Bill continued.

"We'll get Montanez the Sphere," Tweedledee said, as if nothing had happened. He eyed Bill carefully. "Stay where you are."

Bill struggled against his bonds for emphasis. "Don't think I could move if I wanted," he said. "Which, if you think about it, is a pity."

Rani snorted.

Tweedledee fished something out of his pocket. It was a slightly round object, looking much like a compass. A gold arrow spun around, until finally stopping and pointing somewhere in the left corner.

Rani looked at it curiously, and shrugged at Bill's questioning glance.

"Magical compass," explained Eddy through the earpiece, his voice sounding quite surprised. "It's supposed to detect magical items in the perimeter. I wonder how they got their hands on that. Even Bellamont doesn't have one."

Bill had never really heard of such an object, but he did have to admit it'd come well in handy. If he did manage to get out of this pickle, he'd suggest it to Gringotts.

Tweedledum was moving around the room, using the compass to guide him to the winning coffin. His bulk figure, however, made it a bit hard to move about with ease, and he had to go slower in order not to accidentally open a casket.

The arrow of the compass swirled around, slower this time, proving to be quite specific on pointing out the location of the sphere. The slower it moved the more Bill felt himself sweat in panic. The Sphere of Mentality would do no good in an idiot's hand.

"We need to do something," Rani hissed, struggling against the tight bonds.

Bill did not answer for there was nothing he could say. Instead he watched as the scene unfolded, desperately trying to think of a way to cut the ropes. He knew that he had a few knives on him (one being Bellamont's fancy key-dagger), but it was impossible for him to reach them.

Tweedledum had finally reached the lucky coffin, and Bill could practically hear the music of suspense ringing away in his head.

"Montanez will be very happy to see this," Tweedledee said. "We'll get paid a nice profit for our noble work."

Rani took in a sharp breath as Tweedledum pushed off the top of the coffin. Slowly, he pulled a rather electric blue sphere. It was perhaps no larger than a Quaffle and emitted a spooky glow. There was no doubt that it was the Sphere of Mentality.

For some reason Bill found himself remembering of when the twins and Ron were small. Fred and George found it fun to steal things out of Ron's room and it was an endless mess of fighting and crying. A sudden burst of inspiration shot him.

"I hear it's cursed," Bill said loudly, but twisting his neck to look at Rani.

She looked confused about what he was talking about and slowly said, "The Sphere?"

"Yes," Bill said enthusiastically, knowing that he was getting the attention of dumb and dumber. "Remember what happened to old Pete?"

Rani was about to answer, but it was Tweedledee who asked, "What happened to 'im?"

"Boils," Bill explained. "_Everywhere_."

"Everywhere?" echoed Tweedledee, grimacing.

"Really itchy ones," Rani added, following Bill's lead. "Big red itchy ones. Not even the best potion could cure. I think they lasted for about two months."

"Maybe a few more days," said Bill, thoughtfully.

"What's a two months to everything we'll get paid?" snapped Tweedledum.

"Oh, that's not just it," Rani said quickly. "Then came the allergies."

Bill sighed dramatically. "Poor old Pete. He had to be sent to the healers. Almost had his brains blown out from all the sneezing."

Tweedledee rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Do you remember that odd black thing that started growing on his leg?" Rani asked, her face scrunched up as if she were trying to remember something.

"Never came off," Bill said sympathetically. "I saw him a few days before I came here. He showed it to me. Bloody awful."

"What was it?" Tweedledee asked. "The black stuff, I mean."

"Fungus, probably?" Rani said with a shrug. "All I know is that it wouldn't come off."

"Pete said it squeezed his leg from time to time," Bill offered. "I would have died if I had it."

"Maybe we should leave the Sphere here," Tweedledee said, looking at the object in his hands in fear.

"Don't be stupid," Tweedledum growled. "They're just lying."

"Did you ever read how the Museum of Wizarding History in London fell down?" Bill asked sweetly.

The two brutes nodded slightly.

"Pete was in there when it happened," Bill said. "He had just paid for his ticket, and the whole building immediately fell down."

"What's Pete doing nowadays?" Rani asked.

Bill looked at his two captors and said, "Now, don't tell anyone, but he's become a full time nut. All that bad luck, well, it drove him completely mad. I mean, they returned the Sphere back to its place, but poor old Pete is still having the worst luck ever."

Tweedledee held out the Sphere to Tweedledum. "Here," he said, "I don't want it."

"Don't be stupid," Tweedledum snapped. "I'm telling you, it's just a stupid lie. It's not cursed."

"Maybe that's why Montanez made you come, don't you think?" Rani said with an innocent look.

Tweedledum snarled. "I'm quite sure," he said, his voice cold, "that if we offer a sacrifice to the tomb, the curse will be lifted." He held up his gun towards Bill. "So, who'll be the first to go?"

Bill laughed nervously. "Oh, surely you don't mean that," he said, trying to put on his best charms. "Hey, how about I give you a vase I found back in one of the rooms? Good artefact, nice price. We'll call it even."

Pat grumbled unhappily from Bill's abandoned bag.

"Or," continued Bill, slightly on the board of please-don't-kill-me hysteria, "you could just leave me and my nice friend here to fend for ourselves. Preferably with our wands."

"Or, if my partner agrees," Tweedledum said, "your _nice friend_ might be the first to go." He turned his gun on Rani.

"Oh, I don't think so, chum," a new voice said. "It looks like the tables are about to be turned."

Standing at the archway, a gun in hand, was a man perhaps a bit shorter than Bill. He had blond hair that was combed back and was wearing sunglasses despite the darkness of the tomb. He was wearing blue jeans and an olive green T-shirt. He looked like he had just stepped off the street in some major-run city.

However, he was not alone. Flanked by his side was a woman and a young boy. They were each holding up their own wands.

"Doyle!" Rani exclaimed, a smile lighting up on her face.

"Doyle!" Eddy exclaimed on the earpiece.

Bill could only think: _Doyle_?

Tweedledee and Tweedledum seemed to be very intimidated by having three new people threaten them. They did not give much of a fight as Chuck removed them of their weapons and gained back Bill and Rani's wands. They didn't even move as Doyle untied Bill and Rani, and then used the rope to tie them instead.

They seemed, in all sincerity, quite petrified once Doyle had licked his lips and opened his mouth, revealing quite a nice pair of fangs.

Bill had not really moved. He gripped his wand tightly, almost if not sure what to do with it and his current situation.

"Eddy," he whispered, as Rani hugged Doyle and then Summer, "who are these people?"

"Remember Rani's ex-husband?" Eddy asked. "Well, that's Doyle."

"He looks like he's fifteen!" objected Bill.

"Being a vampire might do that to you," Doyle answered gruffly.

"Eurgh," was all Bill offered.

"And we weren't married," Rani objected, easily having heard the conversation from her earpiece. "We were about to be."

Summer cleared her throat lightly, causing Doyle to give a sheepish grin. "Sorry, Weasley," he said, "let me introduce my two partners in crime. This lovely lady is Summer Port, and that dashing young fool is Chuck Port."

Bill shook hands with both of them before saying, "Married?"

Chuck laughed. "No," he answered, "siblings."

"What are you doing here?" Rani asked Doyle. She was carrying the Sphere in her arms carefully.

"Bellamont sent us for research purposes," Doyle explained. "We decided to come earlier, though."

"Can't say we're sorry you did," Rani said, a nice smile on her face.

Bill scowled. "We should probably get going," he snapped. "Who knows how many more men Montanez will send after us."

"Any idea of a quick way out?" Doyle asked. "If these two idiots don't return soon, Montanez will come a-wandering."

"We could try Pat," Rani said to Bill. "He knew about this floor. Maybe he'll know of a quicker, _safer_ way out."

"Pat?" asked Doyle.

"Trap door," Pat informed. He bounced up to Summer. "Do you think you could kindly turn me back to my human form?" he asked nicely.

Summer stared. "Eh—"

"No!" snapped Bill and Rani.

Bill quickly snatched up Pat.

Pat grumbled and said some not very nice words that Molly Weasley would have frowned upon.

"Where's this trap door?" demanded Bill.

If he could, Pat would have shrugged. "Beats me, toots. Open a coffin, hope for a lucky number." He wriggled angrily in Bill's grasp. "Too tight," he huffed.

"I don't think Lady Luck is in our favour," Chuck said thoughtfully. "I don't think we should risk it." He glanced at Pat. "Can we even trust it?"

"_It_?" snapped Pat. "Come here, _come here_. I'll show you it!"

"Behave," Bill warned.

"Children, children," Doyle chided, "don't make me put you in separate corners."

Bill glared. He did not like this – _this_ _vampire_ calling the claims. He was the one in power here!

"If you were a trap door," he said, "where would you like to hide?"

"At home, under my bed," Summer teased. "Or not," she amended when people started to glare.

"Pat," Rani said, "back in the hallway there was a slight dripping. Does water run through the tomb?"

Pat was quiet for a minute or so before responding, "I believe there is a sort of old-fashioned plumbing system which carries water from the outside towards a specific chamber." He paused again. "Not quite sure which chamber, but it's probably on the floor above."

"Are you going to have us follow the water?" Doyle asked.

"What? Oh, no." Rani grinned sheepishly. "It was a completely unrelated question."

"This tomb has a plumbing system?" Chuck said incredulous. "My old house didn't even have one."

"Your old house was in the pits of hell," said Summer, pointedly.

Bill turned to Doyle. "How," he asked slowly, as if it had suddenly occurred to him, "did you get past the Chimaera?"

Doyle looked slightly confused. "Have you ever heard the story of _The Odyssey_?"

"Of course," said Bill.

"You remember how Ulysses use to keep sacrificing the thighs of bulls to the gods?" Doyle continued.

"You made a sacrifice to the gods?" Bill asked, look incredulous.

"No, we just threw some bull meat at the Chimaera and distracted it," Doyle said. "How did you get pass?"

Bill blushed, and Rani coughed discreetly.

"What about you two?" Bill asked, turning to Tweedledee and Tweedledum. "Did you also use bull's meat?"

"No," said Tweedledum.  "We used fish."

Bill sighed. He could hear Eddy snicker on the ear-piece.

"I say we open the first five coffins, and hope someone up there is watching over us," Chuck said, moving dangerously close to a coffin.

"Or someone down there, who will probably laugh when we die a horrible and painful death," murmured Bill.

"Maybe Chuck has a point, and we should risk it," Summer said slowly. "After all, it'll do us no good to be stuck here for eternity, will it?"

"I am getting slightly hungry," Doyle agreed, giving Bill a toothy grin.

"But who's going to be the one to open the coffin?" Rani said. "If it's any help, their death will probably be quicker."

"It wouldn't be fair for one of the ladies to do it," said Doyle, thoughtfully. "So… rock, paper, scissors?"

"Er, what is that?" Bill asked.

Doyle and Chuck blinked at him.

Rani snorted.

Chuck quickly fell into explanation, showing Bill the various movements and the basic rule. Well, the only rule.

"But," said Bill, holding up his scissors, "why does paper beat rock?"

"It just does," Chuck replied.

"But the rock doesn't breathe…" insisted Bill, with a very serious look.

"It. Just. Does," snapped Chuck. "Come on, let's do this."

"Ready?" Doyle said. "Rock, paper, scissors!"

Each one showed a different hand.

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Three rocks.

"Rock, paper scissors!"

Two papers. One rock.

The rock was Bill.

"Sorry, pal, looks like you lost," Doyle said, pretending to be sorry.

Bill was positive they had cheated. He didn't like this game. It was stupid. Paper shouldn't beat rock…

"Let your intuition choose the coffin, Weasley," Rani said. "The odds are against us anyway."

Bill walked around a bit, eyeing each one carefully. If he had another big snake, it wouldn't be too bad. Magic could easily handle the situation, but if it was something that already had a magical background…

"Hurry up, Weasley," Doyle said. "If you don't stop for Death, it will kindly stop for you."

Bill rolled his eyes. It sounded like one of Bellamont's passwords.

"Very well, keep your trousers on," Bill grumbled. "I choose this one." He poked a coffin confidently.

Summer ducked behind her brother. Doyle tensed up, preparing to fight… or run. Rani took out her wand.

"Go on, Weasley, we're behind you," she said.

Bill took a deep breath, prayed to any deity that was listening, and pushed off the lid.

The danger in front of him was—

"_Mum_?" asked Bill, peering at the woman in front of him.

Ok, usually a danger, but this wasn't quite what he had in mind.

And then suddenly, Molly Weasley started to bleed. It was rushing down her skin like water, and her face twisted into one of great pain.

"Mum, no!" Bill cried, rushing to her side. "Mum! Mum!"

"Weasley, stay away," Rani snapped.

Molly Weasley whined pitifully as the blood kept flowing. Bill felt his throat close up and his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. His had to do something now. His mother was going to _die_.

"Weasley, I said _stay away_!" Rani yelled, pointing her wand at him. A stream of yellow sparks hit him in the chest, and he fell backwards, hitting his head on another coffin.

"Wha—?" but Bill's cries of despair were cut off as Rani moved towards Molly.

And then, and then—

It was not longer Molly. In her place stood a giant bee, which buzzed angrily at the crowd.

"_Riddikulus_!" cried Rani, forcefully.

The bee disappeared into thin air, and—

And Bill felt stupid. Very stupid.

It has been a blasted Boggart, no more, no less, and certainly not his own mother, who was away in _England_.

"It's ok, Bill," Eddy whispered comfortingly. "It's never easy to think when it's your own mother."

Everybody seemed shaken about the experience. Even Rani seemed to have a hard time making fun of him.

"Are you all right?" Summer finally asked, moving to get to him. "I thought you bumped your head. Are you bleeding?"

Doyle sniffed the air, and said, "Yes, but slightly." He smirked at Bill.

"Whatever you're thinking, stop it," Bill said angrily.

"No worries, I wouldn't eat _you_. Who knows what's been through your bloodstream," Doyle assured him.

Summer touched Bill's shoulder lightly, and helped him sit up straight.

"I'm ok," he insisted. "I just hit my head on something…. Hold on, what's this?"

Carved into the coffin he had banged his head on was a rather distinguished-looking hole. It looked like… well, it looked like a—

"It looks like a sort of keyhole," Summer said.

Yes, exactly.

"What's a keyhole doing on a coffin?" Chuck asked.

Bill patted his jacket, an idea suddenly rushing to him. He felt Bellamont's mysterious dagger. What was it that Bellamont had said about it?

_"This is the key that will open most doors once you're inside the tombs. It has been passed down by generations from my family, so I expect you not to lose it, Mr. Weasley."_

Once again: Yes, _exactly_.

"I think I know our way out," Bill said, grinning ear to ear.


	11. Anywhere But Here

**Dedications: **for the reviewers on FFnet, who sound like sensible people. ;o) Also, if any of you would like emailed updates, let me know. Plenty of time on my hands.

**Notes:** So, I wrote a first version of chp. 11, and it involved Doyle smelling blood on the walls. I wrote a second version, and it involved Chuck and Bill singing "row, row, row your boat" until Rani threatened to leave them behind. Then I wrote this version which, although much better than the first two, is still a bit on the dry side. I just see this chapter as a moving along chapter, and so should you.

**More notes:** Doyle's line of "You kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today, oh Rani," is mirrored off Barry Manilow's Mandy. Doyle cannot come up with his own lines.

**Thanks:** Candy, my beta, who needs to update her own fic.

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"Over the Mountains   
Of the Moon,   
Down the Valley of the Shadow,   
Ride, boldly ride,"   
The shade replied  
"If you seek for Eldorado!"

-- Edgar Allan Poe, "El Dorado"

Anywhere But Here

While the tomb had definitely not been a piece of cake, its underground passageway was certainly a one-way ticket to Hell. It was nothing but bricks of stone, one firmly edged into another, which seemed to go on for eternity. The slight dripping of water that had once been torment up above was now gone, and the only light came from Bill's wand.

Nobody seemed to have anything to say, not Eddy with his dry comments nor Bill with his own witty observations. It was as if they were all sentenced to their deaths, and they all found it inevitable to be distracted from anyway.

The passageway itself provided nothing to look at. There was nothing painted on the walls, no hieroglyphics or even patterns of blood. No other object except for the occasional stone seemed to get in their way, and even the rats and scorpions seemed to have decided this place was too dull to live in.

But it was the walls that made Bill feel as if he were on the edge of danger, a slight claustrophobic fear running through his blood. He eyed his companions carefully, then stared at the walls, worried that they might suddenly close in on him. He wasn't quite sure what was making him feel like this, after all he'd never really had a problem with stones before, but the unnerving feeling just wouldn't go away.

"I think," said Rani, finally, "that maybe we should separate. It's like we're going in circles, and we have yet to see an exit sign."

"The divide and conquer technique?" Doyle offered.

"What about 'divided we fall'?" Chuck said instead. "We have no idea where we are. For all we know, we could have walked our way to Ecuador by now."

"Dividing up doesn't sound like the best idea," agreed Bill, eyeing the walls with greater distaste now. "Eddy, do you have any idea where we are?"

There was a slight pause until Eddy spoke up, "Besides several feet underground? Not really, Billy. You're completely off my radar."

"Let's be sensible about this," Summer said, using her own wand to look around. Their current path continued on until it got completely lost in the darkness. "There has to be a way out somewhere. And except for the dozen or so forks in the roads we came across, wouldn't we have reached a dead end by now?"

"Unless, and this is just an idea," Chuck said grumpily, "whoever built this piece of rock decided to have a little fun and make us end up under the Caribbean sea. Fun!"

"I always knew I'd end up swimming with the fish," mumbled Bill.

"Can't you smell anything?" Summer asked Doyle. "Surely you've smelt something by now."

"Yeah, _food_," said Doyle, pointedly. "Have I mentioned when was the last time I had myself a nice pint of blood? A vampire has got to eat eventually you know."

"I say we stake him before he turns on us," Bill added.

Doyle gave him a look.

"My feet are tired," Rani complained. "There's only so much a girl can walk in these boots."

Summer poked Doyle. "Come on, take a sniff," she urged. "You've got to be useful for _something_."

"Watch it, I'm still your boss," warned Doyle, but he took a sniff of the air anyway.

Bill, who had taken a firm seat on the floor, rubbed his nose with his sleeve. "I never thought this would be how I die," he said.

"You're not going to die," Rani assured him.

"I always thought it'd be of old age," Bill continued. "Happily married, children who adore me, a house-elf or two."

"You'll live your dream, Weasley," Chuck said.

"Well retired from tomb-raiding, no longer in the jaws of death." Bill gave a dramatic sigh. "Not stuck up in my own private grave with a vampire."

"Shut up, Bill," Rani snapped.

"Definitely not defeated by hunger and—"

"Shut up!" Rani kicked him below his knee. "If you don't stop complaining, I will personally finish your life for you. Honestly! What do they teach you at Gringotts?"

"Maybe we should backtrack and take the traditional way out?" Summer offered, once Doyle had announced defeat.

"No, let's keep walking," Doyle said. "It can't take that much longer, can it?"

It could.

It took them exactly and additional two hours to find a sign that said, "Ve a la derecha! Peligro por la izquierda! PELIGRO!"

"What does it say?" Bill asked Rani.

"Um, danger, something, something, danger," Rani answered. "Chuck?"

"Go to the right. Danger is to the left," Chuck translated. "Well, someone is looking out for us."

"Does this mean we go left anyway?" Doyle asked, looking at the sign carefully. "Because we could be walking right into the lion's jaws if we go right."

"Or," added Bill, "we could be stupid for not following simple directions and going left, towards the evil path of doom."

"Flip a coin?" suggested Summer. "Rock, paper, scissors? Close our eyes and point out the right way? Take a majority vote, and pray the majority is being led by Our God Above?"

"Slightly hysterical, are we, Summer?" Chuck asked.

"Just a tinge," his sister said.

"I say we take left, and hope whoever put up the sign had the best motives in mind," Rani said.

"I second it," Bill agreed.

"Um, I'm going to have to go with right," Doyle piped up. "I've never been one to ask for directions anyway."

"I'd probably lean towards the right as well," Chuck said. "The obviousness of this sign doesn't seem right."

Everyone looked at Summer, who paled visibly.

"I… I can't make this choice," she said. "I've never been good at making choices! I'm a follower! I follow!"

"Left or right, Summer? Just choose," Doyle said.

Summer bit her lip. "Isn't there another way to do this? Ask Eddy!"

"It's ok, Summer," Rani assured her. "We're just doing this by majority vote."

"Yes, so if you do end up choosing the wrong path we won't hold it against you when we end up in purgatory," Bill added.

Rani rolled her eyes.

Summer whimpered. "Er, well, I do suppose we have to put some trust in this wretched old place…"

"Please don't say it," begged Doyle.

"So, er, right," Summer said firmly.

Doyle shook his head.

"Right then," Bill said. "Who goes first?"

Doyle and Chuck exchanged looks. Slowly, they started to grin. It was not a pleasant one that Bill liked, and instead he began to fear it.

"No," he stated before the words could even come out of Chuck's mouth.

"Oh, but Weasley! It's the only way," Chuck insisted.

"Got to be strong," Doyle agreed.

Bill waved his white flag. "All right, all right," he said.

Chuck and Doyle smiled again.

"Ready?" Chuck asked.

"Yeah, yeah," moaned Bill.

"One, two, three, rock, paper, scissors!" chanted Doyle.

Bill lost. Again. This time it wasn't even funny.

"Looks like you take the first step," Doyle said. "Don't worry, Weasley, we'll be behind you all the way."

"Several meters behind you if we have to," added Chuck.

"You two are just awful," Rani scolded, but she didn't offer to take Bill's place.

Bill decided to take it like a man, and make the first step on what was hopefully not the path towards doom and a life of being stuck with Doyle in purgatory.

_Clack_. His boot made a nice, study nose on the bricks before him. No holes opened, nothing rained down upon him, no secret doors opened to give him a hungry beast.

_Clack, clack_. Two more steps. Everything seemed safe for now. If there was any danger if might be up ahead, but for now everything seemed good.

_Clack, clack, clack_. Just to make sure, Bill jumped a bit. The floor didn't give away beneath him.

"Everything seems fine!" he called back. "I think we chose the right path."

Rani blinked at him, looking a bit upset that flames hadn't suddenly engulfed him, or that the Chimaera had come back for a repeat of before.

Slowly, but confidently, Doyle walked towards Bill.

Slowly, but confidently until the fourth step, where the ground _did_ give away beneath him, and he _did_ fall to his impending doom.

It was like seeing everything in slow-motion, until Summer let out a scream that snapped Bill out of his senses, and he rushed to the hole.

"Don't move!" he yelled at Chuck, who was halfway there. "The floor might give away to you. Just stay put!"

Bill carefully moved towards to the edge, eyeing the hole with slight fear. "Doyle, can you hear me? Are you all right?"

There was a slight shuffle of clothing and an "ow", until Doyle responded, "I'm ok. Nothing's broken, and I don't think there's anything dangerous here. It's just dark and a bit damp and… oh, _shit_."

"Doyle, what is it?" Rani called, worry in her voice that made Bill cringe.

"Spikes, lots of them," Doyle said. "And, er, it might just be me, but they seem to be closing in on me." There was a slight pause. "Yeah, most certainly closing in on me. Have I mentioned how much I _don't like spikes_?"

"Do something!" screeched Summer. "Hurry!"

"Rani, get me your rope," Bill ordered. "Chuck, very slowly, come towards me. We'll need to double the weight to pull him up quickly. Summer, follow Chuck's footsteps, you'll need to hold the light for me."

The two siblings made it safely to his side, and it was only a second after than Rani flung her rope at him. Despite not being able to see Doyle, she stared at the hole in horror.

"Ok, Summer, try to illuminate the hole the best you can. Doyle, we're sending the rope in. Come on, Chuck, let's hurry!" Bill said. For a brief second he'd fear he wouldn't be able to save the vampire in time, but he quickly moved it aside to get into action.

_"You look really beautiful," Doyle complimented as Rani drank a bit of wine and finished her dinner._

_"That's sweet," she said. "You look great yourself. And this restaurant! Amazing!"_

_Indeed the restaurant was a great sight to see. Fancy and posh to the extreme, with waiters that bustled around like Mary Poppin's penguins. People of the highest class were flocked with jewels and dresses of satin and silk for the women. The men looked like they had come from a film, all dressed up with millions of dollars probably in their pockets._

_The food was great, Rani's wine glass was always filled, and a waiter seemed to have set his eyes on their table, ready to serve their every wish and desire._

_As a tomb raider, it made Rani slightly suspicious._

_"A friend recommended it to me," Doyle said. "He said it was one of the best places in the city."_

_"Doesn't seem like a place you'd come to," Rani said slowly, trying to see what his ulterior motive was. He was probably trying to get out of meeting her sister next week. "You usually like darker places. Not that I'm complaining. Those chandeliers really do catch a girl's breath."_

_Doyle cocked his head to a side, giving her a slight smile. "Well, for each occasion there's a place, isn't there? This seemed like the right place for the occasion."_

_"And what occasion would that be?" Rani asked. Oh, yeah, he definitely did something wrong._

_Doyle smiled. "Let's order dessert. I feel like something chocolate-y."_

_"Oh, don't!" Rani objected, even though the waiter had already come to their side, pad in hand. "Um, I'll have the caramel cheesecake, please." Turning back to Doyle, she scolded, "You're avoiding the subject. I want to know."_

_Doyle laughed lightly, earning a slight glance from the woman in the table next to them. "Patience, Rani, I promise the minute you've got your fork into that cheesecake, I'll give you your answers."_

_It did not take long for dessert to come, and Rani eyed her cake appreciatively. Well, if Doyle had done something incredibly wrong, he was on a good path to make it up for her._

_"Rani," he started, knowing that her curiosity wouldn't hold out much longer, "there's something you need to know, and I don't think there's a better time for it."_

_Rani looked up from her plate, raising an eyebrow slightly. "Go on," she insisted._

_"You kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today, oh Rani," Doyle said, his voice slightly taking a singing tone._

_Rani snickered. "You moron," she said. "Really, what did you _do_, Doyle?"_

_Doyle smiled. "What makes you think I did anything?" He slowly pulled something out of his pocket._

_A small, black box.___

The_ small, black box.___

_Rani froze, fork halfway to her mouth._

_"Rani, will you marry me?"_

_Doyle, on one knee, an engagement ring out in the open. He said the question with such charm and grace that any woman would have asked for._

_Rani promptly asked for more wine._

Doyle did not die, nor was he badly bruised. He was actually quite fine, and looked as if he had actually been waiting for them in Barbados or some other Caribbean island.

Bill supposed it was only luck that had helped them get him out of the pit in time. Rani, on the other hand, seemed to think it was Doyle's pure abilities that had pulled him out of his near death.

"From now on, let's please watch where we're going," Summer insisted.

"Odd how nothing happened to Weasley," observed Chuck, looking at the pit thoughtfully. "Doyle must have stepped on a trigger. Eddy might want to write it down. For all we know that pit might close up again."

"What do we do now?" Rani asked. "Obviously this path isn't as safe as we had hoped for."

"We should probably continue," Bill said. "I'm positive the exit is nearby."

Doyle looked at the bricks ahead of them. Once again it loomed on until the darkness swallowed it. There certainly didn't seem to be any exit nearby.

No one seemed to argue with Bill's ideas anyway, and ahead they trudged, silent as possible, not really willing to share any new stories or quips. Only Chuck seemed to want to break the silence, starting a soothing whistling that no one objected to.

"There's this pub," began Doyle, "on the edges of Ireland – ever been there, Weasley? – where everyone gathers on New Year's to feast. Food is brought out, the drinks never end, and everyone seems to sing to The Proclaimers before the count down for the New Year begins. I've only been there twice, but both times it was a sight to see. Beautiful women of all sorts serve you the best beer a mortal man can taste. Friendly men of all ages will tell you tall tales of their ancestors." Doyle had a sort of dreamy look on his face. "I think I'll go there when I'm done with Vetula. I good use some mortal warmth. Nothing warms like beer."

"Are we playing the 'what will you do if you live' game?" Summer asked. "Because it really depresses me."

"Actually, it was just a thought out loud, but let's play," Doyle said. "What will you do, Chuck my boy?"

Chuck seemed to think over his options, running a hand through his hair and biting his bottom lip. "I think I'd like to go to Las Vegas. Gamble a bit, win some money, perhaps just find some excitement that doesn't involve my life on the line. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." He gave Summer a wink. "What about you, sis?"

"I want to go home," Summer admitted. "Where I was raised. I want to swim in the lake, explore the woods, see my father. Maybe even go to a simple concert with my old friends. See, now you've depressed me."

"I'll go next then," Rani said. "I've always wanted to go to see this friend of mine in Virginia. I haven't seen her in ages, and I always get an email from her. It'd be nice to see her. We'd do everything together, I know we would. She'd be happy to see me if I suddenly show up. I'll consider it if we ever get out of this labyrinth." She gave the group an encouraging smile. "What about you, Bill? Anywhere with food?"

Bill wasn't quite sure where he wanted to be after this all ended. Back home with his mum and a good meal in front of him? Back in Egypt where he could be with his friends and that lovely girl who lived across from him? Perhaps somewhere more exotic like Aruba or Greece or Australia where he could just take a holiday?

He wasn't quite sure, and he didn't provide an answer.


	12. Life Is But A Dream

**Dedications:** Um, my Alexia, because she is nice and sweet and desperately wants Bill to live.

**Notes:** Writing this fic is like banging your head, only harder. I'm thinking Bill needs a holiday. He has asked to have leave during the month of July, but the Higher Beings have declined his wishes of women, beach and Piña Coladas. He is sueing for Weasley abuse.

**Thanks:** the beta herself and ice cream.

**Boo to:** Portugal, for beating England _and_ Holland.

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What would you think if I sang out of tune

Would you stand up and walk out on me

Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song

And I'll try not to sing out of key.

-- The Beatles, "With A Little Help From My Friends."

**Life Is But A Dream**

_Across the Atlantic ocean, away from the continent Columbus had discovered centuries ago, beyond the tips of England, the Burrow was settled. Inside Molly Weasley scolded Ron for yelling at his sister, Arthur tinkered with a Muggle object away from his wife's eyes, and the twins happily exploded something that looked suspiciously like Percy's extra-special ink bottle._

_No one was in the kitchen at the moment, and no one noticed the way the family clock marked its Bill pendent away from "at work" to "in mortal peril."_

The Halls of Hell, as Bill had fondly come to know the underground passage, did not end shortly after Doyle's short confrontation with death, nor did it end shortly after Rani almost got bitten by a snake, or when Chuck almost fell into a strategically placed piranha pit.

Instead, the Halls of Hell continued on and on, through the darkness, one trap after another, neither easier than the one before.

_Row, row, row your boat…_

It was Chuck singing. Singing the way a man asked for water in the middle of a desert.

_Gently down the stream…_

Rani complained about it. She complained and complained and even threatened to let Doyle eat Chuck. Doyle gladly agreed, but Chuck just shrugged and kept singing. Bill didn't mind. He liked distractions, hated the silence. If it weren't for the fact that he knew that Doyle might actually eat _him_, he would have joined and created a duet.

_Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…___

There was something ahead. The light of his wand barely made it out. A dead end? He hoped not. They had walked too far to suddenly stop. He was out of jokes, out of hope, he was just hungry and fed up and really wanted to be back in Egypt.

It was like he was dying. Dying with people he didn't even know that well. People who only needed him to get some big reward and save humankind.

Humankind, pfft.  What had humankind ever done for him?

_Life is but a dream_.

Bill shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He didn't think like that. He was just tired. He _was_ going to get out of here. He _was_ going to go home. He _was _going to have a nice, big steak with his family. He _was_ going to—

Light?

Not from his wand?

Light!

"Light!" echoed Chuck, happily.

"Stop," Doyle said, holding his arm out, not letting Chuck run forward. "It's not the sun. It's not an opening."

"Artificial light?" Bill asked. He blinked. "A chamber?"

"Why is there a chamber here?" said Rani. "Oh no! What if we've just been walking in circles? What if we're back at the tomb?"

Bill moved carefully, his wand in one hand, Bellamont's dagger in the other. Doyle was by his side (for the first time), Rani a few steps back. They moved quietly, slowly, expecting the worst and not the best. If anything, Vetula had made them pessimists.

The light got brighter as they got closer. Bill felt his heart beat faster, and he clutched his wand tightly.

The chamber seemed to be suspended in time. At least, the various skeleton soldiers seemed to be suspended so. It was a sight to see. There must have been a dozen or so of them, all looking like statues, standing in various battle-like positions. Some held swords high in the sky, some held their shields defensively, all frozen in perfect order.

"What—what is this?" Summer asked.

No one moved forward. No one moved backwards. No one moved. Period.

"Are they petrified?" Rani asked. She was eyeing the closest one carefully.

"They don't look to be," Bill said, raising his wand defensively. "It's like they're statues… are they?"

"If they are, they're very realistic statues," Doyle complimented, moving closer to one. "Definitely human bones. Anyone want to give one a poke?"

"No, don't touch anything," Rani warned. "Let's just get across the room. There's a door, and that's better than being here. Carefully now."

"This reminds me about a skeleton joke," said Bill, as they moved in pairs across the room. "Why are skeletons so calm?"

"Why?" followed Chuck, grinning.

"Because nothing gets under their skin!"

Rani rolled her eyes.

Summer sighed.

And then she let out a blood-curling scream.

Bill whipped around, Bellamont's dagger poking at the air.

One of the skeleton soldiers had moved, and it had Summer dangerously in its grip. It gave the group a chilling smile, and reached for its sword.

Summer whimpered.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" cried Rani.

The skeleton froze, sword in mid-air, Summer still squirming.

"That was impossibly easy," said Doyle, letting out a breath. "Summer, can you free yourself?"

Summer struggled for a bit, and managed to slip out of the skeleton's grip. "Dear diary, today I was groped by a bag of bones. It wasn't fun," Summer mumbled angrily

"So, right. These things do, apparently, come to life," Bill observed. "The question is how, and if we're willing to stick around and go through trial and error."

"I vote for running for our lives," Chuck declared.

"I second that vote," Summer agreed. "Votes in favour?"

"Aye!" Rani and Doyle chorused.

Bill tapped the petrified skeleton with his knuckles. The thing didn't move. He supposed it would be best to move along. The quicker they moved, the sooner he'd be home with a cup of tea and a nice normal tomb.

"Um, Bill," Eddy seemed to stutter on the microphone, "if I could bother you for a moment, turn to your left a bit, I see something odd."

Bill obliged and turned to look to his left, and came face to face with another – very alive – skeleton. He whipped out his dagger to block out the coming blow from the skeleton's own very large sword.

"Help?" he begged.

"All I asked for was the door," complained Chuck, pulling out his wand. "_Petrificus Totalus_!"

Bill scrambled out of the way as the skeleton froze.

"Rani, they're all starting to move," said Summer, somewhere from Bill's right.

Summer's observation was correct. Apparently all the skeletons had decided to start moving, and they were slowly flexing out their arms and legs, and even a few were slowly closing in on them.

"We need to get to the door," Doyle said, wrenching the sword out of Bill's attacker's hand. "Summer, you're closer, go now. After her, everyone try to get themselves out."

Bill used his dagger again against a defending blow. He needed to retrieve his wand instead. A dagger would be no match for a real sword.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" Rani said. "Come on, Weasley, let's go. If you move to the right, you're clear. _Petrificus Totalus_!"

Bill dodged a skeleton that had leaped to grab him, and quickly moved towards the door. He pulled his wand out of his pocket, turned to where Doyle was having a hard time beheading a skeleton and muttered, "_Refringo_!"

The skeleton's bones fell to the floor in a pile, and Doyle gave Bill a grateful wink.

"Weasley!" someone shrieked. It sounded like Rani.

Suddenly, Bill felt a terribly pain above his hip. Like a dragon had taken a bite out of him.

"Weasley!" It was definitely Rani.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" someone cried out.

Bill collapsed to the floor. He was coughing up… _blood_? The pain wouldn't go away and—and he knew what happened. One of the skeletons had managed to stab him.

Painfully.

Bill whimpered and tried to take deep breaths. It felt like his lungs were closed off and he couldn't breath. He didn't dare look down at his stomach, fearing to see some sharp sword poking out of him like a pincushion.

He was dying.

He could practically hear angels singing, "Swing low, sweet chariot" as they awaited him.

"Oh, god, he's dying," someone said.

"He's not dying!" Rani objected angrily. "Come on, let's get him out of here before these skeletons get back to shaking their bones."

"Do—do we pull out the sword or something?" That was Chuck.

Bill felt himself be lifted and slung over someone's shoulder. He imagined it was Doyle. And also this whole thing was quite embarrassing.

"No, just open the door. We're safer on the other side," Doyle said.

"Don't worry, Weasley," Rani said softly, "no one dies on my watch."

Bill wanted to laugh. But he only managed to cough out more blood and gasp in pain. He was feeling tired now. He wanted to sleep.

"Put him down on the floor," Rani ordered. "I can heal him. Hurry!"

Bill's head banged slightly against the floor, and Doyle muttered a quick apology.

"We need to pull the sword out first," Rani said.

Bill spluttered an objection. There was no way they were going to cause him more pain. If he had to die like this, he would. The pain was almost bearable now.

"Don't be such a big baby," Rani snapped. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to stop the pain, so just suck it up like a man. Doyle, pull it out on the count of three."

Doyle grabbed the hilt of the sword.

Bill wanted to squirm, but he could barely move on his side.

"One," said Rani.

Bill tried to take another breath a brace himself.

"Two."

Bill thought of his family and pretended this was just a bad nightmare.

"Three!"

Doyle pulled.

Bill let out a scream that could have easily been translated to, "Oh my fucking god, I'm going to kill you fuckers. I think I'm fucking dying."

"Good boy, Weasley," Doyle said, patting his side. "It's almost over."

"God, look at all the blood," Summer observed.

Bill whimpered. "Don't—don't let him—eat me," he muttered to Rani.

She snickered. "Don't be stupid, Weasley," she said, but she was smiling. "Ok, now we're going to clean that wound and help it heal. Ready? Good."

Bill could barely hear her muttering a few healing spells, but he did notice how the pain seemed to lessen completely and his stomach seemed to be going back to its usual amount of tissue and skin.

"It'll leave a bit of a scar, I'm afraid," Rani said when she finished.

Bill sat up, looking at where the sword at once been, and then turning to look at Rani. She was smiling at him, looking both tired and pretty at the same time.

"Thank you," he whispered, grinning.

"I told you no one dies on my watch," she scolded.

"I hope that's the closest call we ever have to seeing someone die," Summer said. She handed Bill a bottle of water. "You gave us an awful fright."

"We'll rest a bit, but then we'll have to keep moving," Rani said. "How are you feeling, Weasley?"

"A bit ill, but better than I was five minutes ago," Bill answered. "The vampire, on the other hand, doesn't look so good."

Doyle, who did in fact look slightly paler than he should have been, merely shrugged. "Just be happy that I can keep myself in check around so much blood, Weasley."

_Across the Atlantic ocean, away from the continent Columbus had discovered centuries ago, beyond the tips of England, the Burrow was settled. Inside Molly Weasley scolded Ron for yelling at his sister, Arthur tinkered with a Muggle object away from his wife's eyes, and the twins happily exploded something that looked suspiciously like Percy's extra-special ink bottle._

_No one was in the kitchen at the moment, and no one noticed the way the family clock marked its Bill pendent away from "at work" to "in mortal peril."_

_However, before Molly Weasley could return to her kitchen to check on the Sunday lunch, the pendent quickly moved back to "at work."_


	13. Back On The Road

**Dedications:** I suppose Ron, since this fic was always meant for her, even though she's disowned me twice to date.

**Notes:** Bill finally gets his beach, Piña Coladas and women, even if they're not quite what he had in mind. Also, the author herself would like a holiday, please.

**Thanks:** the beta, as always. We do love her and her fic so.

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Sometimes, I feel that I should go and play with the thunder

Somehow, I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

-- The Rasmus, "In The Shadows"

****

**Back On The Road**

****

**A long time ago…**

Raphael Cornell walked at a rather fast pace and it was difficult for Rani to keep up. It also did not help that she kept being distracted by the portraits that adorned the walls.

"Hello, dear!" said one, waving her pink handkerchief.

"My, what a beautiful lady," another one added, giving Rani a cheeky wink.

"Is she new? Is she new?" a little girl asked, holding a large beach ball.

 "I haven't seen her before," an old man said thoughtfully.

"What's your name, dear?" the woman above him asked.

"Keep up, Ms. Zahra," Cornell snapped, quickening his pace.

"Well, quite rude," one portrait said.

Rani gave them an apologetic smile and hurried to catch up with her "tour guide."

"You should not dawdle," Cornell scolded as they turned a corner, "especially with the portraits. They can talk for hours if you let them. Why Bellamont wishes to keep them around is beyond me. You're new, so I suppose being distracted is forgiven, but do _keep up_."

Rani tried not to bump into a badly placed table and sped up to be by Cornell's side.

"Now, I must admit that your choice of clothing isn't quite what I suggest—" Here Cornell glanced at her t-shirt and shorts quite pointedly. "—but I suppose Mr. Faris will fix you up once he sees you."

"Is, um, Mr. Faris very strict?" asked Rani.

In the two weeks she had been adjusting to Biggerstaffonia, she had never come across this so-called Mr. Doyle Faris, and all she knew about him was that he was going to start her up on her fighting skills before she passed on to more serious trainers.

Cornell seemed to stop for a mere second to ponder on her question and then he was off again. A portrait waved at Rani and gave her a curtsy.

"Mr. Faris is extremely strict, and will not enjoy the fact we are late," Cornell finally said. "He shall definitely have to whip _you_ into shape, for I'm quite sure a Barbie doll could have you in a grip before you even thought about it." They turned another corner. "Also, may I say once again, your outfit is atrocious."

"What does he do exactly?" Rani asked.

"He raids tombs, I suppose you could say," Cornell said, wiping his brow. "And sometimes he helps train the newbies if Bellamont requests it." They turned yet another corner. "He's been quite around for a bit, and will do the odds and ends that need to be tied out. A specialist in all trades, that would be the term."

Rani made a face. Great, she was going to be trained by some old guy who would talk about wars and how "this generation" never did anything of use.

"We're almost there," Cornell announced.

"Yee haw!" greeted a portrait.

When Cornell has said "we're almost there" what he had really meant was that after taking a left corner twice, going up three flights of stairs, turning right after a rather erotic portrait, giving a password to a member of King Author's Round table, and then going down one flight of stairs would you achieve "we're almost there."

For after that whole trip, which had Rani quite out of breath and annoyed, did they reach a large wooden door with the words "Exercise Court 1" written in white paint.

Cornell knocked twice on the door, stood firmly, and waiting for someone, presumably Mr. Doyle Faris, to open it.

Rani felt her heart beat faster.

No one opened the door, so Cornell knocked again.

When no one opened the door after various knocking and poundings, Cornell opened it himself and they were greeted—

With a very empty room.

Rani looked around in surprise. Everything was white, with a few objects for target practice and weaponry.

Cornell, well, Cornell looked like he was about to die from the mere shock that Mr. Faris was not there waiting for them, pointing at his watch meaningfully because they were late.

"Perhaps—perhaps he gave up on us and left?" asked Rani.

"Left? _Left_?" demanded Cornell. "He cannot leave. He has an appointment with you. On Bellamont's word!" He took a deep breath. "Well, let's go then. There's no point in staying here yourself. I shall have her greatness know about this immediately!"

Rani looked at the man in front of her. Her _greatness_?

Right.

The food court was an extremely big room, connected to the kitchens, where various tables were laid out. There were scheduled food times, and Rani found herself eating quite a delicious lunch of lamb and mashed potatoes. The food court itself was filled with people, and everyone seemed to be talking quite happily with their fellow companions.

Rani had been too concentrated in finishing her potatoes and wondering what she was going to do with the rest of her day when a rather attractive man took the seat in front of her.

"Hope you don't mind," he said. "I just need to write a few notes, and I'm gone."

Rani, who had turned into a puddle of goo and wondered if she was capable of intelligent speech, merely nodded.

He gave her a charming smile and pulled out a stack of papers from his bag and a pen. "I don't believe I've seen you before. Are you new?"

"Um, oh, yes," Rani said, nodding feverously. She put a piece of lamb in her mouth to stop her from stammering more.

The man chuckled, making something off on the first paper. "I'll have to see if I can get Bellamont to let me train a pretty thing like you." He winked. "You look like you could swing a sword with ease."

Rani, who was now beyond stammering and only blushing, said, "I'd much rather train with you than with Doyle Farris. The cretin missed my first lesson. He's supposed to be this big shot here, and he can't even keep a commitment."

The man's smile grew even wider. He leaned over the table, shook her hand, and said, "Let me introduce myself. Doyle Farris."

The image Rani had introduced to her mind since the beginning of the day flew away with a sharp cackle.

She blinked once and then twice, let out an embarrassed squeal, and made a run for it, leaving her bag behind.

**And now…**

God said let there be light.

That was all Bill could think as he kissed the fresh soil, took in deep breaths of pure air and tried to pretend the light wasn't too painful to his eyes because – oh mighty Zeus – the warmth felt _great_.

The jungle itself was deadly quiet, and despite the small clearing of where they were, Bill could see the tangle of trees ahead where Eddy and José were hiding.

"I am so, so happy," said Summer, who had collapsed to the ground in relief.

"I think I'm due a two week holiday now," Chuck added. "You okay, Doyle? You don't look so good."

Doyle, who looked paler than he was meant to be, swayed on his feet. "Just a bit hungry and hot and feeling like I'm about to erupt into particles of dust."

"There is a lot of sun here," Rani said, moving to help support him. "We should head toward the trees. It's all shade and anacondas there."

"When was the last time you had some blood, Doyle?" Summer asked.

"Um, some time between the killer bees and the fire spirit," Doyle said. "I'll be ok, I just need to adjust a bit."

"How long can he go without some blood?" said Bill, hurrying to catch up.

"Well, he's strong enough to not live on it for years at a time," Chuck explained. "But I think with all the energy he lost in Vetula and this godforsaken sun, we're better off not testing that theory."

"Eddy, can you tell us where you are?" Rani said into her microphone.

"Yeah, babe, let me pull up your coordinates," Eddy said, and then mad typing followed. "All right, you're not too far off the main entrance of Vetula, but let's keep you to the sidelines in case Montanez is sniffing around. From where you are now start walking east. You'll be on the borders of a clearing the whole time, but try to stick to the trees. You'll reach the river, from there just follow it down, and you'll start to recognize the headquarters."

"Got it," Rani said. "Let's go, people."

The walk back to Eddy was neither entertaining nor boring. Everyone seemed to make good use of it to relax and come to terms that they were out of the worst danger and ready to go home. Bill, especially, could not wait for a good meal and possibly a hot shower before catching the first portkey home.

The only event on the walk was coming across a rather cheeky monkey who stole Doyle's sunglasses and hearing a shot in the distance that made the group hurry. However, it did not look like Montanez was on their trail.

When they did reach the camp, it did not take long for them to start packing. Rani seemed as desperate to reach Caracas, and Doyle's appearance wasn't improving.

"Eh, Billy, why is your bag jumping around like that?" Eddy asked.

Bill looked at the offending item. "Oh, that's just Pat," he said, thumping the bag once. "Do you think Bellamont will be able to help him with his small t-r-a-n-s-f-o-r-m-a-t-i-o-n?"

"I can hear and spell, you know!" snapped Pat from the bag, but he didn't hop anymore.

"I'm sure she can come up with something," Eddy said.

Zorro, who had been quite happy to see everyone, kept zipping around, snapping at people's heels, but not barking as if he knew that any sounds could alert danger to them.

"How are we supposed to get back to Caracas?" Bill asked Rani, as they shrank the rest of the stuff.

"Same way we got here. Boat until Puerto Ayacucho and we have a contact there with a waiting portkey," she answered. She tied her hair into a quick braid. "You did a good job, Weasley. I must say I'm impressed."

Bill gave her a smile. "I'm nothing but the best, love."

Rani rolled her eyes, while Eddy snorted.

Bill looked around to see if they had missed anything. Everyone was packed, the luggage was shrunk and the sun would be at its peak soon enough.

"Everyone ready?" he called out. "Let's start moving then. It'd be good to get to Caracas before dinner, eh?"

"Aye, aye, captain!" Eddy cheered.

Bill leaned back in the Jacuzzi and gave a delighted sigh. The water was just right, the bubbles were plentiful, the dinner he had eaten before settled nicely in his stomach, and the bottle of beer by his side played agreeably with his taste.

Caracas. Four starred hotels. This was life.

He was so happy to be back to civilization, even if it wasn't quite home. But there was nothing to complain about, was there? They had the Sphere, securely placed in the room safe with a numbered code only Bill knew about. Tomorrow morning Rani had promised him a portkey back to Egypt (no airplanes, yay!). And there was no sign of Montanez or his goons since Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

Nothing could be wrong with Bill's life right now.

There was a slight knock on his bathroom door, and Bill opened an eye warily. Had he ordered room service? Doubtful, since he had eaten dinner a mere half an hour ago, but maybe it was a complimentary dessert…

"Come in," Bill called, making sure that he was completely covered by bubbles.

Not that he had anything to be ashamed of.

But it wasn't room service or anything of the kind, instead it was Eddy, casually dressed up, who peered from behind the door.

"Hey, Billy boy," he greeted. "Enjoying the commodities of the city?"

"And everything it has to offer," Bill said, lifting his beer bottle in a sort of mock toast.

Eddy laughed. "We're heading to the wizard bar we saw across the street now, and we wanted you to join us. A celebration for a job well done," he said.

Bill pondered the idea. It did sound like a good idea, and he was always one up for alcohol. "I believe I will join you," he said. "I'll meet you lot there."

"Excellent!" Eddy said, and hurried off.

Bill submerged himself one last time under the water before getting out and going to get dressed.

The moment Bill entered the bar it was not hard to miss the small crowd gathered around a small, round table filled with tequila glasses being filled by the second. On one side of the table was Doyle, smug and looking like he had just been promised the richest blood in the world, and on the other side was a man that quite resembled Cornelius Fudge. Each was holding one tequila glass in each hand, and looking daringly at the other.

"Fondo blanco!" the crowd around them cried.

Both men threw back their shots.

"Fondo blanco!" the crowd cheered again. Someone slipped a dollar bill onto the table.

The two men threw back another shot, and more dollar bills were placed on the table.

"Fondo blanco!" cried Eddy, sipping his beer and falling back into his chair.

"Fondo blanco!" agreed the crowd.

Doyle drank his thirtieth shot. The other man did as well and promptly slumped onto the floor.

The crowd cheered and Doyle took his money.

"I love being a vampire," he whispered to Eddy as he left to dance with Rani.

Bill had first thought of joining Summer in a more secluded table or possibly Chuck, who was fighting with the barman (but I am of age! I just don't have my passport with me.), but instead there was something that caught his eyes a few stools away.

She was pretty and blonde, and Bill had great experiences with blondes.

"Hi," he said, sitting on the stool next to her. "What are you drinking?"

"Dry martini," she said with a polite smile. Then she gave him a once over.

They always did.

And he returned it. _Thank you very much_.

Bill waved two fingers at the barman. "I'll have what she's having, please."

The barman nodded and went to fix the order.

In a table to the left, Eddy stumbled over a chair and gave Rani a thumbs-up.

"Wizarding bars," the woman commented, "amazing people you meet."

"Oh. Yes," Bill agreed. "I'm Bill Weasley."

"Astrid," the woman said, shaking his hand. "Tourist, I assume?"

"Lovely name," complimented Bill. "And, yes, tourist. You?"

"Oh, just popped in to do a quick job," Astrid said with a secretive smile. "But I've always been one to mix business with pleasure."

Bill gulped and gave her a radiant smile. "You know what they say about a girl who works all day…"

Astrid smiled politely again, taking another sip of her martini. "Are you staying in a hotel or with friends?"

"Hotel," Bill said. "The Tamanaco, actually. How long are you staying?"

"Maybe for the rest of the week," Astrid said thoughtfully. She tilted her head slightly, and Bill got a glimpse of a gold chain with a matching cross.

"What, er, do you do?" he asked.

"I'm a vampire slayer," Astrid said. "I work primarily in Argentina, but I work my way around Latin America for the extra money."

Bill unconsciously looked at Doyle, who was participating in another tequila with a rather ugly-looking woman. The crowd kept chanting "fondo blanco! fondo blanco!" around them.

"And what do you do?" Astrid said. Correction, perfectly purred.

Many innuendos passed through Bill's mind, but what he really answered was, "I work for the Gringotts section in Egypt. Curse-breaker."

"Oh, Gringotts!" Astrid exclaimed, looking impressed. "No wonder you have such a fit body. I have a cousin twice removed who is a curse-breaker for the division in Zambia. Always working out and staying healthy, he is."

Bill smirked. "So," he said, taking a handful of peanuts, "what vampire are you after now?"

Astrid took out her purse and paid the barman. "Top secret, sorry. I think I'm done here for the night." Bill frowned slightly. "But, if you'd like to join me for more drinks up in my room…"

Bill perked up. "Drinks?" he repeated. "I don't see why not."

A little voice in his head, which sounded oddly like Percy for some reason, kept saying, _"Er, hello? What about Rani? And, oh, I don't know, your stupid _SPHERE_?"_

Naturally, Bill ignored it. And it wasn't hard to do so, especially if Astrid always wore belly dancing outfits.

"You'll have to excuse me, though," Astrid said, as they left the bar. The hotel was only a few minutes away, and Bill enjoyed the walk. "My room is a bit of a mess. I hope you don't mind."

"We could go to mine, if you want," Bill offered. "Same perks, and I think my roommate ordered the film channels."

Astrid gave him a glorious smile. "Sounds wonderful," she said, touching his arm softly.

The next thing Bill remembered was trying desperately to get the door open as Astrid kissed his neck, her hand… well, the door wasn't really helping.

"I think there's something wrong with this card," Bill murmured, trying to unlock the bloody door.

Astrid took the card from him, her lips still suckling and kissing at his neck, and passed the card through the holder. The lock beeped and the door opened.

"It always has to be the woman," Astrid teased, as they tumbled into the room. "Are you sure your friends won't walk in?"

"They won't be back until midnight," Bill said, opening the door to his bedroom, the air conditioner making the hairs at the back of his neck stand up. "And the door locks nicely anyway."

Astrid kissed him and took off her shirt. "Well then, Mr. Weasley, let's get this show on the road."


	14. Agua! Agua!

**Dedications:** No one. Ron is pushy. Candy won't make her fic slashy.

**Notes:** Apparently FFnet messed up the coding in the last chapter. Sorry about that.

**Thanks:** to Bill, who knows what it's like when Karma is after you.

**Boo to:** Brazil for winning against Uruguay.

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I close my eyes when I get too sad

I think thoughts that I know are bad

Close my eyes and I count to ten

Hope it's over when I open them

-- Everclear, "Wonderful"

**Agua****!  Agua!**

The sunlight crept into the hotel room, warming Bill's bare skin and teasing him awake. He opened one eye, looked around at the blurry scenery, allowed the offending eyelid to droop back, and turned over to get more sleep.

In the mean time, Eddy waited patiently for the lift to take him to the seventh floor. He whistled a jolly tune and gave a curt nod to one of the cleaning ladies. He'd just go wake up Bill, and they'd join Rani and the rest for a scrumptious continental breakfast, or so the menu said.

Eddy knocked on Bill's door twice, and when no one opened the door for him, he used the spare key to go in. However, the sight that met his eyes was not pleasant.

The room was a mess.

Clothes had been taken out of the drawers and thrown to the floor. What looked like Bill's own bag was dumped across the room, some of its contents dumped around it. But what most got Eddy's attention was the fact that the safe was wide open.

Of course, Eddy was a reasonable man, and decided to question Bill before jumping to the wrong (most frightening) conclusions.

He awoke Bill by dumping a jug of water on him.

Bill jumped up, quickly wrapping a sheet around his waist, and glowering at Eddy. "What's going on?" he demanded.

"Billy boy, what happened to your room?" Eddy asked sweetly.

Bill took out look around, let out a horrified scream, and immediately was on his feet, looking around.

"The safe is open, the Sphere is not there," Eddy pointed out.

"Oh no, no, no," mumbled Bill. "This cannot have happened."

"The Sphere was stolen," Eddy stated. "How could it have been stolen?"

"Shit, shit, shit," Bill said, frantically getting dressed. "There was this girl and she said she was a vampire slayer and she spent the night and oh, God…"

Eddy nodded. "Right, I'll go get Rani."

"Wait, no!" Bill yelled, running to block Eddy from the door. "If you tell her, she'll kill me."

"And rightfully so," Eddy snapped. "Bill, the Sphere was stolen! This is big!"

"Let me think, okay? I can fix this," Bill said. "We need to find that girl. We can ask the front desk when they saw her leave, maybe she took a taxi. We can track her down."

"Billy, why would you sleep with someone you don't know?" Eddy asked. "What ever happened to the sexual tension between you and Rani?"

Bill thought it was best not to answer.

Rani crossed her arms over her chest, a particular vein in her neck threatening to burst, and gave Bill her worst glare.

"Repeat that, please," she said, her voice anything but calm and happy.

Eddy ducked under the table and Summer edged towards the door.

Doyle, on the other hand, looked quite pleased.

"_Now_," snapped Rani.

"The Sphere is… missing," Bill said, averting his eyes. You were suppose to do that when faced against a predator.

Rani let out a frustrated yell. "_How_ is it missing?"

"Bill's room was riffled through," Eddy added helpfully. "They didn't know where the Sphere was, and only aimed for the safe once they were positive it wasn't hidden anywhere else."

Rani's eyebrow twitched. "Do we know who might have stolen it?"

Bill gulped. He wondered if the floor would swallow him before Rani pounced to castrate him.

"You see," he started, "there was this girl, and she sort of spent the night, because, um, she has night terrors, yes… so, our _prime_ suspect would be her."

"Night terrors?" asked Doyle.

"Spent the night?" demanded Rani.

"Grave robber?" José said thoughtfully. "If she's a common grave robber our problem might be solved."

Bill perked up.

Rani was still twitching, possibly about to convulse any minute now.

"There's this man," continued José, now looking quite like Bill's guardian angel, "who's well known for his dealings in the black market. Anything from exchanging dollars to international smuggling. If you're looking to buy something rare, you go to him."

"Great!" chirped Bill. "Where do we find him?"

"Well, I'd have to ask around," José said.

Bill wondered why they had told Rani. Did she have the powers to get the Sphere back with the snap of her fingers? No. Did she have contacts with dangerous ninjas that would kick anyone's bum to get the Sphere back? No. Did she have the power to shout like a banshee?

Yes. Oh god, yes.

Bill wished he had bled to death back at Vetula.

Rani walked up to him, looking extremely angry and extremely likely to strangle him right there and then. "You," here, little bits of spit were flying out of her mouth, "are going to follow José to find this 'man', and you are going to come up with a plan to get the Sphere back." She turned around to address the rest of the room. "None of you will contact Bellamont. She will not know about this, understand?"

Bill nodded meekly. He felt like some laboratory rat that kept getting shocked because he couldn't find the cheese.

"I've got a friend at the portkey station," Doyle said. "I can go see if anyone fitting this woman's description passed by."

"Good idea. If she registered a two way portkey and hasn't gone home yet, you could ask to freeze her portkey," Summer added. "Bill, I don't how silly thing may sound, but did you catch her name?"

"Just her first name," Bill said, slightly offended. "Astrid."

Everyone seemed to freeze at the exact moment. Rani, especially, was turning an extreme shade of red.

Karma, in all her glory, pointed at Bill and laughed.

"Astrid?" Rani asked slowly. "Blonde woman, you said, right?"

"Right…" Bill wondered if he could jump out the window.

"About this tall?" Rani asked again, her hand signalling a bit higher than she.

Bill wondered if he would spontaneously combust now. "Yes," he said grimly.

Doyle let out a laugh to rival Karma's.

"I cannot believe it," he said through gasps. No one else found it quite funny. "I cannot," he repeated, "believe you slept with Montanez."

_Boom_! went Bill's brain.

And then of course came, "_Montanez is a girl_?" he demanded.

"Not all masterminds are male," Summer pointed out.

Bill was still registering the fact that the person he had been on the look out since bullets had whizzed past him was a woman.

It was devastating.

Why couldn't he have been gay just for that evil period in time?

"Now, let's recap for those who are extremely confused, mainly me," Chuck said. "Weasley slept with Montanez. Weasley had the Sphere. Sphere is currently missing."

"Three guesses who has it," Doyle said with a smirk.

"Bummer," Chuck agreed.

Bill sighed. It was time to act his age (what was it this year, twelve?) and come up with a solid proof plan. Not to mention, possibly join a seven-step-group that stopped him from having one-night stands.

"We won't change our previous plans," Bill said. "José and I will go look for this bloke. Maybe he'll know about Montanez's hideouts. I'm thinking that Sphere will be too dangerous to smuggle out by traditional transportation, so she'll go Muggle. Doyle, contact your person at the portkey station. We should keep out an eye for her there, anyway. Rani, you know enough about airports. It's a hard shot, but try and see if she's reserved a seat on any slight within the next hour or two." Bill closed his eyes for a second. "Eddy, you're my laptop man. Search for her. You were able to scan her and her men before, try again. If she has anything registered under her name here – cars, houses – I want to know about it."

"Wow, he's a regular leader," Summer teased.

"Summer, I want you to stick around here. It's extremely doubtful Montanez is still in the hotel, but maybe her men are keeping tabs. I know she had a room here, see if you can find it and have reception tell you how long ago she checked out. Report back to Eddy," Bill continued. All boyish traces on his face had left. "Chuck, no idea what to do with you, mate. If you want, keep your sister company, or help Doyle. Let's go, José."

José nodded, adjusting his hat. "I think I know where to start," he said, opening the door.

Rani nodded, pleased. "When should we meet back here?" she asked Bill.

"As quick as possible," Bill answered.

José's contact to the Big Man was actually quite easy to find. He was the one in a seedy jacket selling cocaine in downtown Caracas, or, as José called it with slight disappointment, "el Centro."

As they approached him, the contact looked as if he was deciding to run or stay. Apparently he figured as long as they weren't holding guns, he would stay.

"¿Qué se le ofrece, doctor?" the contact asked José, eyeing Bill suspiciously.

"Necesitamos comprar algo de valor especial," José said, and Bill struggled to make sense of the language.

However, it looked as if José's words were having little affect on the contact, for the man laughed and said, "no, no" various times.

Suddenly someone, from far off, yelled, "Agua! Agua!"

The contact froze, his eyes scanning frantically around him.

José smiled sweetly. "Agua is the code for police," he explained to Bill. "Our friend here knows that the police will catch him if he doesn't put his drugs away."

Bill nodded. "It would be a pity if he were paralysed right on the stop, wouldn't it?" he asked.

The contact narrowed his eyes at both men.

"It would be a shame," José agreed. "The police aren't so lenient with drug dealers any more."

"All right, all right," snapped the contact, suddenly all traces of Spanish going. "You're looking for Andres Branger. Get your yellow pages and search for Macavity's. Once you there, use the password "a pint of milk," and you'll have access to Mr. Branger." With that the contact hurriedly showed his packets of cocaine into a bag, and sped off into the crowd.

José and Bill exchanged looks.

"Yellow pages?" Bill asked incredulous.

José shrugged. "We should probably leave before the police get to us," he said. "We can ask the hotel for their yellow pages."

"Do you—do you feel like this was too easy?" Bill said as they walked past the vendors.

"Maybe Mr. Branger wants to be found," José said.

"Or we're walking into a trap." Bill jumped over a sleeping man. Somewhere nearby a woman screamed obscenities at the police, and a little boy ran shirtless across Bill's path, only to collapse in gleeful giggles.

"All we've been doing lately is walking into traps."


	15. Unlike A Fairytale

**Notes:** Mmm, I can smell the end approaching.

**Dedications:** Ron, who will cry. Candy, who will laugh.

**Important bit of knowledge:** "Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon." – David Assael.

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Macavity's a mystery cat: he's called the Hidden Paw  
For he's a master criminal who can defy the law  
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair  
For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!

-- Cats, "Macavity"

**Unlike the Fairy Tale**

"Well, it doesn't quite make sense if we all go," Bill said. "We don't want Branger to feel threatened."

"Weasley will have to go, because it is his mess," Doyle added. "And I'll go for back up, since José said that Branger and his men would have a good grasp on English, so we don't need a translator. And, eh, Summer, just in case we need her feminine charms."

Rani made a sound of indignation. "I'm a woman too!" she snapped.

Doyle flushed. "Well, yeah, but you see—"

"There are many kinds of women," Bill assisted. "See, when we think of Summer, we think of flowers and soothing sounds of the sea."

"Exactly!" said Doyle, gleefully as Summer tactfully picked at the invisible dirt on her skirt. "When we think of you, _darling_,—"

"We think of gunfire and various dirty chants during a Quidditch match," supplied Bill.

Rani bristled, but that was all she did.

Doyle sighed and scratched the back of his neck.

"We should better head out now," Bill said, tearing a page from the yellow pages. "It's a bit far from the hotel. José volunteered to drive us there."

José nodded once.

"Let Eddy supply you with a camera and microphone," Rani ordered. "Last thing we need is for you to walk into a trap and have us think you just buggered off for a beer."

"I have also asked a friend to send over some expensive suits," José explained as he opened one of the closets. "For Branger the first impression is everything. They're quite good, really. And there's a beautiful dress for Miss Port."

Bill whistled as he looked at the suit laid on the bed. Armani? Awesome. Very stylish. He'd look like a thousand galleons in it.

"And, we'd have to do something with your hair, Bill," Rani said thoughtfully.

Summer giggled. "One long braid?"

Bill's eyes widened. "Er, no, leave the hair alone," he whined.

"Hurry and go change," Rani said. "I'm going to help Summer with her dress."

Macavity's was possibly the easiest shop to find Bill had ever come across. After all, it was the only posh one on a street of run down stalls. It even had a little bell that rang when you opened the door.

To greet them was an old man petting a cat. They were both missing several teeth.

"¡Buenos días, mi señor!" the old man greeted.

"English," Bill said, and immediately the old man started to praise them in a rather chopped English language.

Bill waved his hand dismissively and pretended to be interested in the objects around the shop. Nothing really out of the world, and certainly nothing that looked magical.

Once it looked like the old man was ready to retire, Bill said, "A pint of milk."

The old man gave him a toothless smile. "Are you here to sell?" he asked. Unfortunately, as he said that he was staring meaningfully at Summer.

"Eek," she squealed, and ducked behind Doyle.

The vampire glared.

"I think we could trade her for a car," the old man continued, trying to take a glimpse of Summer.

Doyle huffed. "We are not here to se—"

"A car?" Bill asked. "What kind?"

"Weasley!" snapped Doyle.

"Brand new Honda S2000," the man said, rubbing his wrinkly hands together. "I can get it in silver or blue."

Bill nodded thoughtfully despite Rani's "WEASLEY!" over the microphone.

"Do you think silver or blue?" he asked Doyle.

"I think you'll die of internal bleeding once I get done with you," he threatened.

Bill turned to the old man, "Excuse my partner. He's never been one for cars. Maybe a motorcycle…?"

"He's going to sell me!" Summer cried, tugging on Doyle's sleeve. "Let's _go_. He's insane. We should have let him bleed back at the tomb."

The old man's left eye twitched for a second. "I have a beautiful Suzuki TL 1000S right in the back of the shop. Black, too."

"Now, look here, I'm not going to sell—Black?" Doyle asked. "Suzuki, really?"

Summer whimpered miserably. She hated men. Dead or alive they'd sell you for something on wheels.

"You've got to be kidding me," someone said on the microphone. Obviously Rani.

The old man rubbed his chin. "You know, for someone like her, I could give you both the car and the motorcycle. We do like a bargain."

Bill nodded appreciatively at Doyle. "It does sound like a good bargain," he admitted.

"I have a better one," Doyle told the old man. "We're really interested in seeing Mr. Branger. So why don't you let us to whatever storage room he's locked in, and you won't get the shit knocked out of you for buying and selling another human being."

The old man raised an eyebrow patiently. "Police?" he asked.

"No, worse," Doyle answered.

"Right this way then," the old man said with a nod as if it were the most common thing in the world.

They were led towards the back of the shop, down a slight of stairs, pass two very large steel doors (password only!) until they reached Mr. Branger's office.

And honestly, he looked like a nice man.

Mr. Branger stood up from his leather chair, gave a dismissive nod to the old man, and turned to Bill. "I'd like to be mysterious and say that I was expecting you, Mr…"

"Weasley. Bill Weasley," supplied Bill, in a way that would have made James Bond proud.

"But as you can see I wasn't," said Branger. "How may I help you?"

This was the part Bill wasn't sure of. Did he tell the truth ("Well, you see, there was this very pretty lady in very high heels and a very short dress who stole a very important artefact…") or did you lie ("One of my chums are getting married, you see. And I was thinking this so-called Sphere would be an excellent wedding present. After all, how else is he supposed to control his bride?") and hope for the best?

Luckily for Bill, Doyle immediately jumped in with an enigmatic tale of how they were looking for the Sphere, and someone had told them that Mr. Branger could get them the very stars from the sky.

Blah blah blah, kiss arse.

Mr. Branger nodded understandingly as a tall woman entered the office and gave them each a cup of tea. "You see," he said, "just because you lose something, Mr. Faris, doesn't mean I can get it back."

Bill blinked. So did Doyle and Summer.

Mr. Branger shrugged. "Ok, I lied. I was expecting you." He pulled out a parchment. "I don't think I need to tell you that time is of essence. You can find Montanez here. She won't be there for long, possibly hitting the first flight out of Venezuela she can get. It's an abandoned shopping centre on the outsides of Caracas. You can easily beat the traffic by taking these paths."

"What's the catch?" Bill asked.

"Let's just say, Mr. Weasley, that one day you will have to pay back this favour." Mr. Branger gave them a curt smile and opened the door. "Good luck, Mr. Weasley."

Bill clutched the map and hurried out. "Rani," he called through the microphone, "can you meet us there?"

"No problem. Ask Summer to look at the map in the car. Eddy can load those images for us," she said. "Bill, you know you don't have a plan, right?"

"Bill Weasley does not need a plan," he answered smugly.

He was a Gryffindor.

The shopping centre loomed in the distance. Its four towers seemed to rise in the sky, looking worn out with age and like somewhere that no damsel in distress would like to be locked in. The moat around it was completely dried up, and the bridge had long been chipped away due to vandalism and age. If you crossed it… well, you _couldn't_.

And, of course, there was a sign.

Danger. Beware.

Actually, no, "El Tolón" was what it really said.

Summer, who had pulled her hair into two plaits and neatly out of the way, wriggled out of the dress José had found for her and into old jeans and a white shirt.

Doyle, of course, was enjoying the show.

Bill would have too, except he was in front and turning around wasn't a very discreet way of trying to take a look.

"So, what's our plan of attack again?" Doyle asked.

"Charge!" offered Bill.

Doyle nodded. "Thought so."

"Eddy, what can you tell me about this place?" Bill asked.

There was a slight shuffle heard through the microphone and the normal typing until Eddy said, "It's so old, Montanez has to be using spells to keep it in one piece. There are two entrances. The main one, though I wouldn't trust the bridge, and there's a back emergency exit. Might be a bit tricky to get that to open, but nothing a good spell can't do."

"Any idea where Montanez could be?" Doyle asked. "That place looks huge."

"Considering the fact it's sustained by magic, she could be anywhere," Eddy said grimly. "But, to be cliché and all, try the highest tower?"

"How long until you get here?" Bill said.

"Twenty minutes, maybe? Chuck isn't exactly a good driver," Eddy said.

There was a slight pause until both Summer and Doyle yelled out, "_Chuck is driving_?"

"… Yes," Eddy answered, not too happily.

"He—he doesn't have his driving licence," Summer said.

"Well neither did Bill and—"

"Chuck's failed his test _five times_," Summer insisted.

"Thank you, dear sister," Chuck muttered from afar. "Jesus! Since when do cows cross the road?"

Bill had an answer. But it probably wouldn't have been appreciated.

"We're going to move in," Bill said. "Rani, come and get us. Be extremely careful." He got out of the car, making sure his wand and dagger were securely in their pockets. "José, you and me will take the main entrance. Doyle, you go with Summer and find that emergency exit. If you come upon Montanez, let us know immediately."

Doyle nodded, grabbed Summer's hand, and they both hurried to find the other entrance.

Bill, on the other hand, stared at the bridge with determination. Everything had a soul. If he could concentrate hard enough, maybe the soul of the bridge would guide him and—

Ok, it was worth a try, but once your own idea sounds like shit, it doesn't really work.

"We could try our luck," offered José, though he didn't look too sure.

"Luck has never actually been on my side," Bill said. He tapped the first wooden board of the bridge carefully. It gave away immediately. Bill frowned. If the bridge was too weak to sustain any weight, how did Montanez get across?

Unless…

Bill backed away a bit. And then, with his Gryffindor courage, he made a dash for it, reached the line where the bridge met grass, and gave an enormous jump. He landed a good few feet away from José.

The boards under him gave away.

Except he didn't.

Bill grinned. "They're sustained by magic. It's like some kind of invisible bridge. The boards give away, but it doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure they just appear again after a while," he explained to a marvelled José.

They quickly made a run for it.

The emergency exit was not hard to find. After all, it was the only door with the words "Salida. No bloquear puerta," written on it in red, bold letters. And getting in wasn't a big problem either. Summer simply used a spell that blew the door off its hinges.

Doyle looked up at what seemed the highest tower. "Rumplestiltskin, let down you hair," he joked.

"It was Rapunzel," corrected Summer.

"What?"

"Rapunzel. She was the one with the long hair, all alone up in a tower. Rumplestiltskin was this little dwarf who turned stuff into gold," Summer explained.

"Right," said Doyle, although it looked like he didn't agree.

"Rapunzel was taken by a witch and locked up in a tower with no doors," continued Summer. "Rumplestiltskin who helped this girl spin straw into gold."

"Uh huh, uh huh," said Doyle, as he moved the door safely away and then entered the castle.

"Rapunzel fell in love with a prince, who would climb her hair. Rumplestiltskin took away the girl's first child…"

"Rapunzel's child?"

"What? No! Completely different stories. Rumplestiltskin took this miller's daughter's child, because she had to give him something in exchange for his help in weaving straw into gold."

Doyle gave her an incredulous look. "And the miller's daughter resulted to be Rapunzel?"

Summer blinked. "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" she demanded. A spider scuttled past her feet.

Doyle waggled his eyebrows. "Summer, my love, I was around when the Grimm brothers wrote their stories. Once I witness them fighting in a pub, wondering if some princess or other should have her arms cut off or simply be killed by her prince charming." He jumped a hole in the floor. "I had to deliver messages for them when I was but a lad!"

"You are such a liar, Doyle Faris," Summer scolded. "You were living in some shack with your family, not even a vampire yet, much less roaming the streets of Germany, listening to two old maniacs arguing about princesses."

Doyle gave her a fanged smile and a shrug. "Come on, the highest tower must be that way, my dear Rapunzel."

Bill and José had been ambushed. They hadn't even reached the third to highest tower before a bunch of trolls had found them. Big, evil trolls, who were drooling like they hadn't eaten in months.

"_Incendio_!" cried Bill, ducking out of the way as one caught fire, giving a pitiful cry.

"There are quite a lot of them, Mr. Weasley," José said as he performed a slicing hex.

"Rani, where are you?" Bill said. He kicked one troll in the stomach.

The troll grunted and charged again.

"We're coming, Weasley," Rani said. "Try and distract them."

"With what? You want me to do the salsa, maybe wave some maracas?" Bill asked. "Argh!" He hexed another troll.

"Mr. Weasley, I believe more are heading our way," José said, pointing towards an oncoming army.

Bill pulled out his dagger, taking a stab at the nearest troll. Blood did ooze out, but it certainly didn't slow down the troll.

"_Wingardium__ Leviosa_!" Bill said, lifting a barrel and launching it at two trolls. Some deity above must have liked that move, because the barrel managed to knock the trolls out.

"Bill, to your left!" someone yelled.

"_Incendio_!" Bill yelled. The troll managed to slash at his arm, but it wasn't too painful.

"_Latideous_!" Rani commanded. A whip crack sounded in the air and the nearest troll to Eddy collapsed to the floor.

Chuck was using a series of slicing hexes, jumping around, thinking he was Zorro or something. However, he seemed to have no problems with the trolls other than an occasional splat of blood on his shirt.

One particularly large troll pounced on Bill, making him bang his head on the floor. Bill thought he saw Snitches fly around his head, but dismissed it as a concussion. "_Wingardium__ Leviosa_!" he called again, having the barrel fly across the room and push his attacker off him.

Only to have another troll jump on him. It was a wonder Bill's ribs hadn't cracked yet.

Drool fell onto Bill's face and the smell of rotten eggs crept into his nostrils. "_Collo_—"

The troll growled and slapped at his hand, sending his wand flying away. Bill gulped. That was not good.

Just as the troll was about to take a nice bite out of his neck, it was lifted into the air and thrown into one of its friends.

A smug-looking Doyle stood in its place. "Hurrah for superhuman strength," he said, letting Bill take his hand to help him up.

And then—

Dust.

Not Doyle. _Dust_.

The thought registered into Bill's brain even before he saw the blonde hair.

Even before he heard Summer – or maybe it was Rani? – yell, "DOYLE!"

Even as the dust itself settled on his clothes, Bill was still trying to analyze.

_Something's wrong here_, Bill said to his brain.

_I agree_, the brain said, _but I don't think I understand what_.

_Why?_ asked Bill. _You're the _brain.

_I believe I've gone into shock_, it answered.

And then, naturally, it clicked. Like the way thunder might strike a man in a field.

Bill scrambled to his feet. And then he attacked.

Montanez swiftly ducked out of the way, only to be pounced by Rani.

"You _killed_ him!" she shrieked. "YOU KILLED HIM!" Her wand was pointing directly at Montanez's throat.

"Even those who are invincible fall eventually, Zahra," Montanez said, and then she Disapparated.

Bill sank to his knees, surveying the mess around him. All the trolls were gone, whether they were dead or alive. There was spilt blood, but Bill didn't know if it was human's or beast's. Chuck was holding onto a crying Summer. Eddy was looking at the scene, horrified. José was whispering something in Spanish. Rani was—

Bill reached for her wand and pulled her into a hug. "I'm so, so sorry," he whispered.

Rani sniffled slightly, rubbing at her eyes. "We can't afford to cry now," she said. "We need to get that Sphere." She hastily pulled away from Bill and got to her feet. "Let's go. Montanez is still around here somewhere. I can feel it."

.

.

.

.

.

**Doyle:** I'm... dead  
**Bill:** Well, yes.  
**Doyle:** But I'm... dead.  
**Bill:** Someone had to die.  
**Doyle:** But I'm--  
**Bill:** Better you than me.


	16. The Final Act

But touch my tears with your lips

Touch my world with your fingertips

And we can have forever

And we can love forever

Forever is our today

-- Queen, "Who Wants To Live Forever"

**The Final Act**

Doyle's funeral was hosted in a lost town in Holland, where the people spoke only Dutch and there was a lot of Heineken to go around. Bill had thought it would be simple, with only a handful of people. However, there was quite a crowd, everyone grieving and drinking. Bill could even pinpoint a vampire or two. They had been the ones to decline the beer and ask for virgin blood instead.

Doyle's ashes had been put in a rather fancy urn, carrying a passage from Emily Dickinson:

"Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me;

The carriage held but ourselves

And Immortality."

In some twisted way it was fitting, Bill thought.

The urn was then put into a grave and the earth thrown upon it. It was unnerving to see a vampire's death. If Doyle had meant to live forever, what was to say of Bill's own short life?

"He'll like being buried in Holland," someone said. It was Rani, standing by his side, her face a mask of rage and depression. "He always said that it'd be lovely to have eternal peace. I wonder if he's happy."

Bill gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze as Bellamont started a speech on Doyle. He could spot Chuck on the other side of the grave, looking out of place in his tuxedo. The boy was struggling to not cry, it was obvious, and Bill vaguely wondered exactly how close they had been.

"Going home, then?" Rani asked. "You'd better before something bad happens again."

Bill laughed, but it sounded cold and hypocritical. "I have a portkey registered for four o'clock. I will miss you, Zahra," he said.

Summer was weeping, away from the crowd. She had thrown a red rose in the grave before the eulogy, but then she had hurried away. "You promised to never leave me and Chuck. You promised you'd stick around for me." That was what Bill had heard her mutter at the urn in contempt.

Rani rested her head against Bill's body, taking in a sharp breath. "I can't believe he's gone. He's been around for _so long_," she said.

"He was long overdue," Bill reasoned. "Death is the next big step and all."

Rani sniffled. "You turned out all right, Weasley, despite everything. I'm happy I had this mission with you." She gave him a brief kiss on the lips making him grin smugly. "Don't let that go to your head," she warned.

"I always knew you'd surrender to me, Zahra," Bill teased.

A blonde woman with a big hat walked pass them. Bellamont had finished speaking.

"Do you believe in Heaven?" Rani asked. "Do you think he's there? I mean, vampires are suppose to be damned, aren't they?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure Doyle would get into heaven, whether Saint Peter allows him to or not," Bill answered, pulling her into a hug. "He's probably wearing a shirt right now that says, 'Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over.'"

Rani giggled. "I should go take care of Summer. Chuck said she wasn't able to sleep last night," she said.

"Did you?" Bill asked.

Rani shook her head. "Come find me before you leave. We'll all want to say goodbye."

She had walked a good ten paces before turning around, and asking, with a curious tone in her voice, "How did you get the Sphere back from Montanez?"

Bill remembered leaving Rani behind to fight a furious Graphorn. The others had long been left behind to ensure his confrontation with Montanez.

He remembered raising his wand and blocking a hex from a surprised Astrid. He had rolled under a table, noticing the Sphere radiating a blue light from its position on an opposite table. He had briefly wondered why Astrid hadn't fled yet before throwing a curse at her, dodging one coming his way, and then dashing towards the Sphere.

He had almost made it when Astrid knocked him off his feet with some sort of whipping hex. She had laughed about Doyle's death: "Zahra should be thankful I staked him. The grape vine had said he was bad in bed anyway."

He remembered throwing one last hex her way before physically launching himself to wrestle away her wand. It took a bit of a struggle and lots of biting on her part before he grabbed her wand and broke it with his own two hands. He could recall the look on Astrid's face as she realised she had been beaten. He'd told her to leave before Rani arrived.

And then it was over.

Rani cleared her throat slightly, and Bill smiled in that charmingly aloof way he had managed with all the ladies.

"I always liked being enigmatic," he told her.

She didn't fight him. She simply left to find Summer.

Bill leaned against a tree, eyeing Doyle's grave. His mother always said that things happened for a reason. You might not know for what reason, but there was always one. Most of the times those words were reassuring, comforting, but now Bill couldn't help but want to demand that someone tell him why Doyle had to die.

Bill moved to the grave. "Cheers, mate," he said, pouring the last of his Heineken onto the dirt.

**The End**


End file.
